I’m a thinker. I think a lot. I probably think too much. I know that when I start feeling like things are too tough right now, I look for the lesson to learn. My dear friend and teacher, Victoria Castle, wrote in her book Trance of Scarcity, “If struggling were the way to get there, we’d all be there by now!” I’m a believer that we choose and make our own experience. If something’s not working in my life, if I’m complaining too much, if I’m sick (and tired and sick & tired) for too long then something’s going on that I know I need to pay attention to. So I let that be my guide. I got the message loud and clear this weekend after chilling out with my “bestie” Lola. Holy shit it helps when I talk out loud, have a good cry, get it off my chest and let my dear friends tell me what’s what. THANK YOU Lola for helping me see the light! I love my friends! Jen L. and Bryn have also been a big help these past few weeks as well. Thank you girls!
Here’s what I learned. I need more quiet time. Plain and simple.
I realize that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) means that you’re home a lot. Sure you might leave the house during the week to run errands, go to the park, or to the library. But when do you really have a day off? NEVER. You come home to “your work.” Ok, I realize that some women may be offended by relating my kids and home to work. But I take my job seriously (and not so seriously too! We have lots of fun and laughs). Nonetheless, for me, being a SAHM is WORK. I’ve been having a hard time legitimizing that!
My husband gets to GO to work then come home. My home (and family) is my work. I live in my work place. I think I’ve been feeling the effects of what it must be like to work to live. Work is never done. I have felt overwhelmed and equally underwhelmed of late. I’ve lost a sense of myself (probably at the bottom of the toy box) and I’ve dug my head under books and Bejeweled Blitz (damn that game!) to hide out and wallow. I feel like I’ve been dazed and confused.
I used to work (out of the home) and it cost me. It cost my sense of humor; perspective of my family and finances; and particularly my relationship with BigBoy (we like each other so much more now). I always felt like I was just barely dog paddling enough to keep my head out of the water. For those working moms who are keeping it together, I applaud you. It’s fast paced dance, so good for you if you can keep up with the rhythm with some sort of grace and joy.
So enough complaining. Lola helped to lift the fog. I see that if I spent some more time engaged in the activities that I know take care of me, I’ll be happier, healthier, and have my head on straight. Enough of the hitting myself on the head for not getting everything done. I’m not gonna get it all done. I know that. I will find more joy and ease in my life (not to mention a sense of accomplishment in my day) if I do my meditations (5 minutes helps), morning yoga (5 sun salutations), and journaling (blogging helps too!). I learned some great techniques for staying on the positive side of life from another great friend and teacher, Rita Hovakimian, that I know work! So I’ve pulled out my old notebook from her class and started reading and writing. Yeah!
I’ve always been a big supporter of afternoon quiet time (for all of us). BigBoy doesn’t have to sleep, but play quietly in his room and Baby goes down for his nap. Recently, I’ve not been rigorous about the amount of time, but I’m reinstating the 1-1/2 hour afternoon minimum (but I’d like to shoot for 2 hours!). This is when I get to do what I want, not laundry or dishes (out of obligation), but uninterrupted time to lunch, relax, write, and read (moderately). And yes, I’m blessed because I have kids that can stay (relatively) quietly in their own rooms. The truth of the matter is that I need my down time. It helps me listen to the unending story of garbage trucks just a little bit longer in the evening. It helps me not want to yell at my husband when he walks in the door. It helps me complain less and love this life a little more. Because I really do cherish this time.
I also have Annie Witzmann to thank for taking care of my boys on Fridays. I call them Sanity Fridays. I get to do my own stuff without the boys. It’s like a weekend (pre-kids) crammed into 8-hours. Sometimes I pay the bills (I’ve learned that uninterrupted time means that they go on time with the right amounts!) and clean house, but other times I go to the movies (saw Whip It and loved it!) or walk on the beach. So thank you god for having me hear this message. Got it. Shhh! It’s quiet time. Cheers and THANK YOU friends!
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