who’s laughing now

I just took my MIL to the airport.  PTL and I mean it!  I have so many mixed feelings about her.  I think that she is a great demonstration of god’s little practical and private jokes with me.  We do have a few good moments together, but the rest of the time I’m just left perplexed.  You know usually I can figure a person out and find ways to make our disagreements work.  Typically in life I can get over the little things much more easily, but she is one woman I have such an incredibly hard time with!

Ok look, it may simply be that any house guest that stays with us for 18 days I’d feel the same way about.  But this is Husband’s Mother and she comes from Toronto so I know she wants to stay and enjoy the boys for as long as she can.  I’m perfectly clear now (as if I wasn’t before) that she’s not here to spend time with me.  It is all about her son and grandkids.  I’m ancillary to the whole process.  However and strangely enough, I’m the one that’s home with her the most.  I guess I do have fantasies about us doing girly things together like shopping, laughing over lunch, or enjoying each other’s company, but I really need to reset my expectations.  Much, much lower.  We share so few interests.  Well, ok, except Husband and the kids, but that’s already been established.

I make great efforts at being a good daughter-in-law.  To prepare for her visit I get distilled water for her sleeping machine, I fill the cupboards with snacks, plan meals taking into consideration all the things she doesn’t like, put the beautiful flowers outside as not to aggravate her allergies, I wash all the sheets in detergent for sensitive skin.  I prepare every dinner and breakfast on the weekends.  I even ask her to plan and cook a dinner one or two days a week.  I invite her to my social events.  I go shopping with her at the big lady store and help her pick out clothes (that she usually buys).  I ask for parenting advice and honestly seek her input.  However, a thank you for dinner every once in a while would be nice.  Patting me on the back and saying that I’m doing a good job with the house, the kids, or my husband would be great too.  I feel like she makes zero effort toward our relationship or saying anything nice to me.  It’s like we just exist here together and my house is getting smaller with all the crap lying around.  God knows I’m not picking up after her too.  But I do try to contain it a bit.

After inviting her to three social events and her continually declining I asked why.  She said she just wanted to be “with her family.”  “But I’m your family too,” sounding more desperate than I wanted.  “Yeah, but I’m with you all day,” she replied.  Okay.  I get it.  And I need to let go that when she asks for family pictures before she leaves that I’m not included that either.

She’s an awesome Grandma.  She brings lots and lots of toys for the kids.  She eagerly puts them to bed, changes diapers, dresses them in the morning, reads them books and plays games.  I love that.  I really do.  I’m so glad that my kids will really know their Grammie & Grampie well.  They are also very generous when it comes to their gifts.  My FIL slept in our bed while we were away in Palm Springs over night (post coming!).  And ewww…yes, I was freaked out that he voluntarily slept there without an invitation or sheet change.  (But I’m working on getting over it!)  Anyway, for Christmas he decided to get us a new bed, a really nice one.  Very generous and so-not on my Christmas list.  But yes, thankful nonetheless.  Our old bed was (tainted now that he slept there) and lumpy.  And it was awesome that they were okay with Husband & I getting out of town for 24 hours.

I feel guilty in all my complaining.  Really, it could be worse.  I know that.

Truthfully I’m tired, frustrated and want to let these hurt feelings go.  I want to reorganize the house and claim it back!  I should have done more writing and yoga while she was here.  That would have helped.  I should have said the serenity prayer more.  That may have also helped.  I wish I didn’t sweat the small stuff with her here.  (Thanks Maria for the advice, you’re right.  I do need to shut up and get over it!)

I honestly did try the path of acceptance but found it really rocky and my feet are sore. I tried the path of avoidance and hid out in my room more.  That was nice.  I tried having a better sense of humor but all I could hear was my evil, dark angel on my shoulder saying things that I shouldn’t say out loud (it still helped me get through though).

Well, the one thing that I know I can control is how long she’ll be visiting next time.  I think 14 days is more than enough.   We will never do 18 days again while I’m a SAHM.  Who’s laughing now?  Me.  And yes, it’s my dark angel laugh.  I’m going to go pour a large of glass of wine.  To hell with it.  I don’t care that it’s 2:00.  I’m celebrating.  I learned my lesson.

P.S. Thank you to LOL Dogs for the image.  They are always good for a few laughs.