I write to save my sanity and help me sort my thoughts and feelings all out. Often times when I write about my children, it’s out of sheer anger, frustration or confusion. Well this weekend was BigBoy’s 5th birthday. So I wanted to write about him and the complete love I have in my heart.
For those friends and family that have known me for a long time you know that children were never on my horizon. It was just simply that I wasn’t interested. Babies, never mind kids, never really took to me. The feelings that I had for children were that they were loud and messy (that really hasn’t changed). As a teen, I didn’t love babysitting, I did it for the money. I just wasn’t born with that “I-love-babies! gene” like some women are.
But then I met Husband. Not having kids was a deal breaker for him. Doing the deed was a part of the deal. I knew that marrying him meant travelling the uncharted, unimagined road of parenting and motherhood. After an ass grab, a brief international romance, and throwing my doubts to the wind, I knew that I wanted to grow old with this man. He was solid, clear-hearted, and just a little bit crazy to want to marry me. So I said yes knowing full well what I was signing up for.
After being married a few years, we got pregnant and had BigBoy. Motherhood terrified me. I didn’t have post partum depression, I had pre-partum depression. I knew my life would be forever changed and I mourned the loss of me and life-as-I-knew-it. The birth didn’t go as planned and we had some early minor complications in the first few months of BigBoy’s life. I didn’t swell with love when he was born. I never really enjoyed breast feeding and loathed pumping. We weren’t bonding the way Mother and child were (what I thought) supposed to. I did however eventually find joy, friendships, and how to have fun mothering when I joined a playgroup for first-time moms through Golden Gate Mothers Group. I learned to relax and laugh again. I loved those ladies even though many of us were so very different. We had this common bond of learning to be mothers together and through sharing and laughing in our struggles, I found me again and being okay with my way of being a mom.
BigBoy was never a cuddler and had always preferred his Daddy over me (don’t worry, I understand why). And life with BigBoy was fun, and good, but I had some big disappointments with being a Mom. I still felt like there was a bond missing and I didn’t think my son liked me all that much. It didn’t feel like we were well-connected. It wasn’t until Baby was born (BigBoy was 3) that I really found babylove. Baby taught me the over abundance of love and to love BigBoy and our relationship just the way it is. Nothing really was broken, I just learned how to love in a bigger and new way. That was a great lesson to learn.
But things changed even more (and for the better) this last year. Being let go from work was the best gift I had ever received. I have fallen completely in love with BigBoy. I have been blessed with the opportunity to really get to see him, know him and learn the kind of kid that he is and is becoming.
He now gives me “hurt hugs.” It’s his way of squeezing me so tight that it’s supposed to hurt. He regularly says that he loves me 1 million, hundred thousand and sixty eight.
I love to look in his face. I can so clearly see the combination of me and Husband. There’s no doubt that this child was born out of love.
I love to wrestle with him, tickle him, make him laugh, snuggle during movies, read to him at night and tuck him into bed. I love that he talks to himself with intricate stories about planes, garbage trucks, race cars and trains. (Sometimes though I think this must be what it’s like having a girl with the incessant talking!)
He’s down right funny, has an incredible passion for learning, and has a sweet heart (just like his Daddy). He’s a nice boy, has manners and a few close friends. Even with all the fear and doubts I have had, I know now that overall I’m doing a good job as a mother. He’s a great kid and I know he’s going to turn out alright.
Happy 5th Birthday BigBoy. I’m so very proud of you. You are an awesome little boy and I’m so glad to be your Mommy.
Cheers to you!