I need a coping mechanism other than more wine. I need a change to happen or I may lose it this time. I’m talking about my sanity. Is there a diagnosis for this? Is this what turns good, normally-adjusted women crazy? Back me up here, but all the SAHM’s out there…do you have episodes where you think you are really going insane?
Before I get too dark and moody (say Concrete Blonde’s Dance Along the Edge), I do have a great life. I think if you read enough entries of this blog you will see that I’m deeply grateful and appreciative of the big and little moments in my life. In fact, I’ve always been one of such a sunny disposition, I literally have a tattoo of a sun on my backside. Maybe that’s why I know I’m slipping, it’s such a stark contrast.
I also know that others go through this and the path of a SAHM is often a steep one. Well, I’m on the climb or should I say decline. Which way is out? In the moment, I’m not so sure. I just know I’m so completely frustrated and angry that I could simultaneously scream and cry (which I’ve done). I have those movie moments in my head when I can see myself doing all sorts of violent things to my (soon-to-be) five year old and then I blink and he’s still there. Talking. And talking and talking. “…and you know what else Mommy?…” “…and then the garbage truck went [insert sound effects and claw like action here]…” And then there’s BabyD patting me on the leg saying, “Mommy potty, Mommy potty!” He needs me to take him to the upstairs potty because for whatever reason he won’t go in the downstairs toilet (and we were just up there, but he didn’t go). I would have sworn that I sat them down with snacks and plenty of trucks less than 10 minutes ago.
I feed the boys every 1 ½ hours. I turn on the tv so I can take a shower and reasonably be uninterrupted for 20 minutes. I get up early in the morning and do a little yoga to set my day right. I know how to count to 10 and breathe deeply. I try to get out every day, if not to run them out at a park then for us to run errands together. Everyone has quiet/nap time for at least an hour. We eat lunch pretty much about the same time every day (and we eat fruit and vegetables). I’ve got a good schedule and feel I have a good read on the emotional and energetic needs of the boys. In general, I feel pretty good about that. And overall I do have great kids.
But please god oh please, could I get a f’n 15 minutes not interrupted here and there throughout the day??? No. Evidently I can’t. Can we go to a store, the post office or the park without a sibling fight, temper tantrum or extreme meltdown? No. Evidently we can’t.
Please stop hitting your brother. Please lower your voice. Please be kind to each other. Please say you’re sorry. You come over here and sit by me, the other sit on the chair right here and no more talking. BigBoy give BabyD his toy back. Stop yelling (as I scream). BabyD, leave your brother alone. One more time and you’re getting a time out. That’s not a nice thing to say. That’s back-talking; knock it off. Yes, I’ll get you more water, crackers, snacks, oranges, bananas, toast, etc.
I say all this and more 10 times a day. Inside, outside, awake, asleep, everywhere I go. I want to pull our hair out and I’m not a Trichotillomaniac. Just a SAHM going slowly crazy.
And I still can’t get through my emails, return a phone call, finish the laundry, do the dishes or clean the kitchen each day. I’m a Mommy Interrupted. It’s constant, non-stop and maddening. I’ve always believed that there is enough room here for everyone to get what they need, but lately I feel what I need is just a couple of moments of solace here and there throughout the day. They are so F’N DEMANDING, RELENTLESS, LOUD, IRRITATING. And then two minutes later we will be laughing because one of them did something so completely funny or we start dancing in the kitchen because a good song came on. It’s all the extreme range of emotions that has me thrown for a loop and thrown close to the edge.
You gotta know I’m a good Mom and typically rather sane and reasonable. However, I can finally see behind such tragic events of the headlines. Why do Moms rarely talk about losing their sanity? Do we just accept that it comes with the territory? I know I’m not the only one. I know I don’t need psychiatric help or psychological services, but some community support and acknowledgment that this is real and I’m not going nuts (well maybe that I am and it’s okay) would be much appreciated.
How do you deal? Mommy on the brink needs to know! I’d say cheers, but I’ve already had too much!
P.S. I’d like to thank Bryn and my SIL, Heather, for putting words to the emotions I’ve been feeling lately. Thanks friends for helping see the light through the dark.
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Girl, you are singing my song!!! I have had this conversation with myself and other moms a million times over. Why don’t people talk about this more? With the move, I have especially felt it because I feel so isolated. Yesterday, I was just so happy that the check-out guy at wal-mart talked to me. My phrase that I say to Brian is, “I am slipping.” You used those exact words!!!! How do I deal? Not sure yet. Lately, I have been reminding myself to choose happiness when I am tempted to feel like the victim of motherhood insanity.
Thank you for writing about this! Let the dialogue for motherhood solutions begin. I love you, sister!
Toughest job in the world. I will probably be going thru some of this when I go to court to try and win full custody of Dylan and Kyleigh. Hang in there.
@ Jen – OMG…and from another Jen that I love and respect. Thanks for saying it out loud too! And don’t you know, I finished the post, felt relief and ended up playing with the boys outside. I so agree and know about choosing happiness, but when in those moments I feel absolutely gripped. Thanks for the love and support. xoxo!
@ Kirk – thanks honey for the love! I feel it.
Tell it, sista. Your honesty is incredibly refreshing. And you are not crazy, you are harried and fed up, and for good reason! It can’t be easy to be hounded by little beasties 24/7. For the record, I think you are an excellent mother and continue to deal with the stress of being a SAHM with dignity, humor and grace.
Now go have another glass of wine and contemplate the story of the king, who asks his wise men to bring him something that will make him happy when he’s sad, and sad when he’s happy. Their gift to him? A small ring engraved with the saying, “This, too, shall pass.”
Sometimes I think to myself, “how can I be so delighted by my kids in one hour and then the next hour (or moment) I’ve snapped and told them (okay screamed at them) to go their rooms and they’re both in tears?” How can my emotions flip flop like that? And I’m a normal healthy mom too! I know this because thankfully I’m surrounded by mothers going through the same thing at the same time give or take a little. The convoluted emotions are so twisted inside of me that if I weren’t so afraid to I would stand outside and scream and cry to the sky all at the same time. And I know that scream and those tears would end in laughter, so I don’t know why I’m so afraid to do it. Because what if somebody saw me? Well, shit, if we were all so honest then I wouldn’t be so afraid that the neighbor might call my husband and come “save” my children.
I love my kids. They are precious little charms in my life. We laugh and play and sing and dance together. We also learn how to be a family and cope through life together. It’s not all playing and dancing. It’s screaming and crying too. And it’s life together as a family. As an honest family who tries not to be afraid of the ugliness that we sometimes are.
My dad said to me one time, “you know honey, we all do our best, and sometimes our best isn’t very good at all.” Thanks, Dad. Thanks for making it okay. And thanks for raising me in an honest family.
Jen, I adore you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
~Bryn
Wow. Bryn, you brought tears to my eyes and a sigh to my heart. I love you too, darlin. xoxox
Yes, all mommies go there sometimes. I sometimes just want to curse myself for yelling at my kids so much, and yet I love them so very very dearly. I can’t wait for them to grow up so I’ll be able to do all the things *I* want to do, and then the next minute I’m so sad to think of the day when they leave and I’ll miss them so much. It’s a rollercoaster, and it is normal. And I like what your previous commenter said about being an honest family. I think it’s OK for kids to see that parents have emotions and make mistakes too. For kids to know that even when we get annoyed, we still love them. Advice on how to deal? I wish I had some, but I don’t. If had a fabulous guilt-free calorie-free trick to make stress disappear I’d be a rich (and serene) woman.
It’s great to meet another jen. I feel we’ve got to stick together. Yes, I’m big on Bryn’s honest family concept. She’s been a great support and source of mommy wisdom for me. I have found that it’s really my friends (in addition to the wine) that’s helping me get through the low points. Thanks for stopping by and visiting!