Okay, look…I can’t sing.  Well, I can just not well.  It’s one of those skills/talents that I wish I had.  Like I wish I could draw better.  I wish I was better with numbers.  But I’m not.  What I am good at is helping others strategize and telling people what I think.  That’s why I’m submitting to you my Idiot’s Guide for Being an Idol Contestant.  After watching this show for four seasons there are some things that the judges repeat each season.  I swear, don’t the contestants watch this show and learn from others’ mistakes?  I really don’t think that people properly prepare themselves or plan enough to be on this show.  I mean really, when it’s the second week of live performances and Jermaine Sellers is asking the judges what he should be singing, I think the dude is way underprepared and hasn’t thought about his performance on the show nearly enough.  So I’m here to help.

Let’s start at the beginning and talk about auditions first.   Have you ever recorded yourself or watch yourself sing?  Do it.  If you can’t stand hearing or seeing yourself over and over again, what makes you think that anyone else would?  Unless you want to be made fun of for the rest of your life, don’t make an ass out of yourself and audition if you can’t stand the sound of your own voice on playback.  Share that recording with your family and friends; solicit their feedback.  Someone other than you should like your singing.  If you or others don’t like the sound of your voice then you’re wasting everyone’s time and you don’t want to hear Simon say it on national TV with your whole family outside the door and Ryan Seacrest giving you that pitiful look and ‘better luck next time’ handshake.  Save yourself.  Save us.

Song choice is also very important.  If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it 100 times…the judges don’t like novices singing Mariah, Celine or Whitney for auditions.  No one can sing the way those ladies sing.  So don’t even try.  You’re not going to out diva them.  You haven’t been alive that long.  The judges rarely like original material or change-ups.  That being said, Todrick Hall this year did his own original song and Andrew Garcia did an awesome rendition of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up,” which really got the judges attention.  However, they shot their wad (excuse the expression) and haven’t been able to live up to those original performances.  So be very careful when you play your Ace.  Think about it people!

Don’t wear a dorky costume because your voice won’t be more memorable than that stupid thing you’re about to put on.  If you have to wear a costume then you’re probably not that good.  Take a shower.  Look nice.  Feel good.  Smile, it’s your most important accessory (I think I got that from Glamour twenty years ago…I’ve always liked it.)  Breathe.  Do a good job.

Most importantly, know how to answer the question, “Why do you think that you’re the next American Idol?”  Think about.  What would this mean to you?  To your family?  How do you feel when you think about the possibility of getting on the show?  The judges are looking for heart, passion and a smile to sweep across your face.  They want to know that this is what you are meant to do.  This should be something that you dream about.  Not just that you don’t want to go back to work at Subway to support your grandma and her boyfriend.

If you really think that you’re good and you have a shot at American Idol then know thyself and plan.  Let’s say that you are one of the 24 out of 100,000 people to actually make it.  Congrats!  You are one lucky SOB.  Hopefully you’ve been dreaming about this for years so let’s think about what you should be bringing with you.  You should have AT LEAST 10 songs that you sing well and ready to go!  You know that you’re going to have to sing songs from the present Billboard 100.  There is always country week, songs from the 60s, 70s and 80s.  Last two seasons they had selections from The Beatles.  They will probably have a Michael Jackson week this year too.  Doesn’t it make sense to have 2-3 songs from each of those categories that you know you could do well at?  Have a few unique songs from an 80s hair band, Hall & Oats, Foreigner, hell choose a Harry Belafonte song that you know you can modernize and put your spin on it.  I was so impressed when David Cook changed up “Billy Jean” or “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie.  I was blown away with most of what Adam Lambert did last season and even if you didn’t like him, he certainly made an impression.  Again, know thyself and prepare.  Even Disney-esque teen throb David Archuletta could do that.

I’m excited about guys like Lee Dewyze and Alex Lambert to see how they grow.  Hopefully they will be this competition long enough if they strategize well and really plan with their hearts & souls.  I think that Casey James and Michael Lynche have given their performances a lot of thought.  They know who they are and appear prepared.  The rest of the guys are idiots and will not play their cards well enough to stay in.  I look forward to seeing what the girls can do.

Here’s to more Idols & wine tonight.  Let’s get the idiots out and on with the show.  Cheers!

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