Yes, this is a frank post about sex. Married people sex. Which is DEFINITELY different than single people sex. So if you are my parents (Hi Mom & Dad!) or you don’t want to know me THAT WELL then please stop reading. Husband, if you happen to choose to read this blog post, I wouldn’t suggest it. This is not the kind of stuff you want to read about (my past sex life, how lame I am about it now, etc…). Readers, please know that Husband has probably only read two entries in the past year. Ok I think the coast is clear. Are you still with me? Lola, my BF, has emphatically warned me not to talk about my sex life on my blog. However I feel that there’s probably 10 jens and a 1000 other women out there in the same situation. Maybe I can learn something new.
I have a number of single mom girlfriends and a part of me cringes when I hear about their active sex lives. Maybe it is just flat out jealousy. I used to have an active, fun sex life that I was proud of. In my single life, way back when, I loved sex. Carrie, Samantha and Miranda (not so much Charlotte) were my heroes. Cliché as that may be, I was single and having lots of sex in my city of San Francisco. It was a great life during the rise (and eventual fall) of the dot coms. San Francisco was having a bit of a hey day and I was drinking it up. It was not uncommon for me to be dating 3+ guys and throw in a sexy one night stand every once in a while. My roommate and GBF encouraged my sexual explorations and freedom. Ah, those were the days when I was kicking up my heels and had my feet in the air!
I eventually was blown away by the man that was to be Husband and I knew that I couldn’t let him go. I will admit, however, I didn’t marry him for our sexual chemistry. I married him for his heart, strength of character, and his stability to counter balance my craziness. I LOVE that man of mine.
Two boys later and being a SAHM, no, I don’t have sex on my mind during the day. Most the time when we do have sex, quite frankly, I just want to get it over with (pathetic, I know, but true). I’m tired, bored and I just don’t have the drive or desire that I once did. I’ve lost my horn dog. I know that men feel love from our physicality. I want Husband to feel my love, but I’m not giving it to him that way that he wants or deserves. So I’ve been doing some investigating with my married friends on how married people do it. Yes, pun intended. I’m not talking about positions. I’m talking about logistics and frequency.
I had a rare and delightful opportunity to have this discussion with two of my guy friends over dinner and drinks while one was in town for a sales meeting. The one thing I’ve always loved about these guys is that we have a great mutual respect for each other and we all speak very frankly with each other. There’s no pretense or bullshit between us. Those kinds of friends are priceless in my book. One of these guys, I’ll refer to as Dr. Razor. He’s not a doctor, but I like the formula that he and his wife, Andrea (name changed to protect the innocent), subscribe to. Dr. Razor is an active dad of two kids about the same age as mine and has been married about the same length of time. He works and Andrea is a SAHM. I was shocked and impressed when Dr. Razor said they have sex twice a week! I loved their formula so I thought I would share.
Thursday night is their intimate week night. I love that Dr. Razor calls Andrea during the day just to check in. He said it was important to let her know that he is thinking about her and their special night together. I think it’s sweet that he just calls to check in. Being a SAHM, it’s nice to hear from your partner, especially when you’re having one of those days. After work, they enjoy dinner at home with the family and then he offers to put the kids to bed. (I thought this would be the hardest part to sell to Husband.) Andrea gets to have some quiet time to herself (my favorite part!) and unwind. Then after the kids are in bed, they share a drink together and sit and talk for a while. Eventually, they go to bed and do the deed. It’s so sweet and appears that everyone gets what they need – a drink, communication, intimacy and sex. I love that combination!
So I shared this formula with Husband and he was very receptive because at this point I think he would try anything to get laid (and he’s also very sweet and caring too. I don’t want to leave that out). We’re two for three (in the last few weeks), which isn’t bad for us. What really works for me is the opportunity to unwind while Husband puts the kids to bed. I’ve been with them all day and would like a little quiet mind space. I hid upstairs in our room, did a face masque and read for an hour. What a treat! I was completely receptive and anxiously awaiting by the time he joined me. The week that the formula didn’t work was because I totally wasn’t thinking about sex, I ended up putting Baby to bed and I felt that Husband was trying to pick a fight during an earlier conversation. It just wasn’t happening. We ended up talking and cuddling which was lame nice and I probably should have given it up, but emotionally I wasn’t there.
Has it come to this? That we have to schedule sex? Yes. But if I can get this much attention, care and intimacy, I’m all for it. Husband’s happy because we’re working toward one time a week. I’m all for doing it twice a week. I believe that sex and intimacy begets more sex and intimacy. I’m reminded how much I miss it, want it and need it with my loving Husband. Lola thinks we should learn to walk before we run. However, I’m curious how we’re going to fit the second time in during our busy weekends. Morning cartoons for the kids and locking our door I’ve heard is the way to go. Cheers to figuring it out and getting my horn dog back (eventually).
Please tell me I’m not the only one that has the lame ass goal of getting to sex once a week! I’d love to hear where you’re at with it.
You are very brave to have posted his. I would caution you about ever letting your husband find out about you not being sexually excited by him as much as simply liking him.
I do understand what you are trying to do though.
My question to you is, what is it that he does or doesn’t do that reduces your sexual attraction to him? Maybe that could be fixed and it would be a different situation.
Well, considering my personal motto is to “Live life as transparently as possible” I did a little dance when I read this post. If more Americans talked about the realities of sex, who’s having it and who’s not, perhaps we wouldn’t be such messed-up Puritanical freaks.
Jen, I can relate to much of what you wrote, although I am experiencing a sexual renaissance after being abstinent during much of my pregnancy (because sex was uncomfortable and weird) and during the six weeks following the birth of my son (on doctor’s orders). I have one word to explain this newfound appreciation for sex: Porn. Yes, I watched some porn while I was pregnant (a girl still has her needs, even if the belly prohibits the deed) and I have to tell you: It was very liberating.
I think we married women develop psychological hang-ups when it comes to sex — many of which you’ve outlined in your post — and sometimes you just need to transport yourself back to that time of your life when sex was fun and free and, well, hard-core, with none of the woe-is-me bullshit (of both the feminine and masculine varieties) associated with it.
Am I suggesting that the married women of the world start watching porn on a regular basis? If that’s what you need to kick-start your sex life, hell yes! I also recommend the “five-minute miracle,” which kept my marriage intact throughout my pregnancy (a big thank you to the authors of “Babyproofing Your Marriage”). What’s the five-minute miracle? I’ll put it to you in the form of a riddle: What sex act takes only five minutes, will turn your man into putty in your hands, and can be done while still wearing your bathrobe? Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!
Here’s the way I see it: Those free-wheeling single days were fun, yes, but they’re over and done with. Marriage may not be as wild and crazy, but the trade-off (in the form of stability, children, tax breaks and an ever-evolving love affair) is well worth the pain of having to schedule sex in between commerical breaks.
Athol, I appreciate the question and knowing that communication is ALWAYS the key, I’ll get to the bottom of this! (heeheehee). I can assure you that I CAN BE sexually excited by my husband, it’s just my emotional body gets in the way. I’m working on it. I do want a thriving sexual relationship with him. Marriage, there’s always something to improve, n’est pas? (well, at least the good ones are worth it) Thanks for commenting. I checked out your site. I was intrigued. Best wishes…
Oh Tiffany, how I love thee let me count the ways…1) I too am inspired by your “live transparently” motto and think of you often when I write stuff like this. 2) Yes, psychological hangups…my closet is full of them. 2a-one of them being porn) having been a Women’s Study major in college, all I ever think about is a class about the subjugation of women and while it’s all hot and heavy I keep thinking about that poor girl’s mother and if she’s under any kind of duress (drugs or psychological)…I know you can’t psychoanalyze porn, it ruins the effect 3) I’m loving your advice on the 5-minute miracle weeks back and Husband is very happy about that 4) your friendship, encouragement in writing and support have been invaluable to me. So thank you friend for being there and being one funny and honest gal! Love you peaches.
I have to say after reading this I am very glad you posted and wrote such a heartfelt and very honest blog. I love your approach on the subject, that so many women find taboo to talk about. Let alone a married women talking about sex and of all things with her husband. Oh My!!! Two high fives to you strong and amazing SAHM, to bring to light a subject more women and married at that should be talking about with each other and trading secrets, and yes your single friends can give you tips as well!
Honestly I am so glad you wrote this and shared something that is so familiar to so many women but few are willing to put themselves out there and say it!!! Many marriages today suffer and end up in divorce because the sex has been the last thing on the list of things to do, not to be so blunt LOL, but really day to day life takes precedent and one of the most bonding(bondage) experiences married couples can do together to keep the faith (so to speak) gets put in the dugout and maybe will get a chance to bat!
I say good for you, to being proactive and finding creative ways to bring the juice back into your bedroom!! I do have to ask though so when you are chilling with your mask on by yourself, do you make sure that you have it washed off before he comes in? I am just saying that as your single fan here reading these blogs, I would never let my man or potential bone(so to speak) see me with my mask on! Just ruins the moment you know! Or unless he is into that kind of thing, LOL!!!
Keep rockin your bad SAHM self!!!
My love I have been typing and retyping my comments to this post but my better judgment had me erase what I was typing.
OH and one more thing! I do find it very amusing you choose feet, of all things!! And I will leave it there!
Okay, I’ve been going back and forth about whether I should post on this one or not. Hubby isn’t too sure if I should either…but here goes….this is one area I don’t have to worry about and maybe I can help. Now, I have had this issue (sex or lack thereof) in past relationships but not now and I am also a SAHM with two kiddos around the same ages as yours. We have sex at least three times a week and have some sort of sexual encounter almost everyday. Hard with kids around but we manage. We rarely miss a day and it is usually if one of us is sick. Of course, my hubby and I have always made this an important part of our relationship so I think sex is a way for us to reconnect to each other and to reconnect with our former selves (prior to being parents). We usually get together after the kids have gone to sleep with a “quickie” where we are trying to stay quiet or we meet up in the shower. Some of those times, I even get the chance to have the big “O” myself. The thing I look forward to though are the weekend “love shacks” that we have. Again, it is usually late at night after the kids are in bed, but this time it is long and drawn out with lots of foreplay and my hubby concentrates on making me happy….I can sometimes “get happy” three of four times! YAY! Overall, I think it is a stress reliever for both of us and what Mommy doesn’t need some stress relief! Hope that helps
Morning weekend cartoons + locked door (or in the shower together) works great. For me, anytime it’s not happening on a regular basis, we start to feel like just roommates or something, not husband and wife. And I completely agree with you that intimacy and sex begets more intimacy and sex. If things aren’t good in that area, the rest of your marriage isn’t as great as it could be either, in my opinion.
oh, how fortuitous to have found this. thank you for having the guts to post it. my husband and i have been celibate since our 1st son was born 20 months ago. ack! we’ve made out and been snuggly (ugh, how lame), but haven’t done the deed. our boy doesn’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time, for different reasons throughout the months. and lots of nights (most nights lately) he ends up in bed with us. so we’re both sleep-deprived, and i think that has destroyed our libidos. lately we’ve been trying to think of strategies of how to make sex happen. i’m committed to having, like, “real” sex before we have “baby-making” sex this summer. i like the idea of porn, tho i can’t imagine watching it with the hubby.
but i have also thought that watching romantic movies, either together or by myself might help get in the mood, and stay in the mood for after baby’s bed time… i have found great luck with movies that aaron eckhart is in. 
we’re almost there, and your post is the kick in the patootie i needed. thank you.
Nice Job Jen!
[...] that I second guess or wish I could keep my mouth shut, but just can’t. Like talking about my married sex life on my blog or that one time I was hanging with a new family member and I blurted out asked this [...]
Jen, thanks so very much for finding me and taking the time to read and comment. I feel for you girl. We went through a similar phase with kids in bed and lack of sleep. Good luck and I’m glad to offer a kick in the pants.
Aaron Eckhart, huh? Handsome for sure. Ever since I saw him in The Company of Men, I just can’t get past that character. Do tell, what could I see that may convince me otherwise?
Thanks PX90 for reading! It’s always great having those fun conversations with you. You’re the best!
Thanks Jen for taking the time to read and comment. I agree, intimacy and sex is a slippery slope in marriages. Husband and I have had a great conversation since the post and I’m happy to report things are looking up.
Thanks for the tip about weekend cartoons. It seems to be a very popular way to get it on. LOL
Sara, you are such a dear. and COLOR ME IMPRESSED! Way to go girlfriend! Thanks for sharing. I know throwing your dirty laundry (and I do mean dirty) out on the internet sometimes can make someone cringe and double guess yourself. But I do appreciate your courageous act, especially since we’ve known each other through many different phases of our lives. I’m so glad that you have found such a great partner and friend and (holy shit!) you get the big O so very often. Big hugs, girl!
;p
Told you so. LOL
[...] a mission. While Husband and I are pretty good with leaving Thursdays as our date-in night (see The Sex Formula), we rarely go OUT for our date nights. I’d like to think that this happens once a month, but [...]