I am faced with one of the toughest decisions I’ve had to deal with in a very long time. I’m so conflicted about it. It’s one of those situations where my head and my heart vacillate between spaces and they are just not consistently aligned. One moment I feel sure-footed in my decision and the next I become such a softie, I can’t stand the thought of it. I need your help. Above all other posts, I need to hear from you on this one. I’m just not sure what to do.
Before our life with little boys, Husband and I had Rosco, our dog. You should know first and foremost that he is a cute and dear dog. With personality. A big personality. Before I get into it, I want to paint the right picture for you. Husband and I thought that a dog would be good ‘training ground’ for us before we had kids as many people I think consciously (or unconsciously) do. We figured if we could manage surviving through raising a pet together, then sure, we could raise kids together. Right?
We were told on Petfinder.com that the dog of our dreams (we were looking for a French bulldog, Boston Terrier, boxer kind of fugly love) was to be found at the Modesto SPCA (nothing good comes out of Modesto. Remember Scott Peterson?). We drove the 2.5 hours to get to our adorable little puppy. We were immediately smitten. I took him to local training classes and we were adamant about socializing him well with other dogs (and the obsessive dog owners of San Francisco where we lived).
We discovered very quickly that Rosco (which btw, GBF had notoriously named) had a penchant for the taste of Boston terriers. In fact, he loved to eat them. And not necessarily in a cute way. Literally. It didn’t take long to realize that our dog was not a cute boxer-bulldog mix that was promised on the Petfinder site. Actually, our dog was turning more into a pit bull mutt. Albeit a darn cute one.
Let me cut to the chase here and especially before you make any assumptions about pit bulls. Rosco is a beautiful dog. He’s LOVELY with people. Our kids roll all over him and he’s NEVER snapped at our boys or any guests (child or adult). Once we realized his true breed, we did extensive research because we knew these kinds of dogs require a great level of responsibility. Did you know that the early half of this century in America, pit bulls were America’s poster dogs? Theodore Roosevelt, Helen Keller, “Our Gang”/”Little Rascals” (remember Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla, Buckwheat?), the RCA record company and Buster Brown shoes all loved Pit Bull Terriers. The breed was well known for their obedience, intelligence and loyalty.
The downside to the breed’s history is the association to fighting. It’s sad. Really sad. And clearly it’s in Rosco’s genes. We’ve spent over $4000 in trying to train our dog. He’s learned a lot, but when it comes down to it, he just can’t be trusted with other dogs. We are RESPONSIBLE pet owners. Within the home, he is obedient and minds well (just not when the doorbell rings). We care for our dog and want (very much) for him to be an excellent contribution to our family.
AND We are perfectly clear that we CANNOT risk our dog being around other dogs. You think it’s going to be all nice and this friend’s dog will be different (and we REALLY want it to), but something happens…a look or a smell from another dog AND HE SNAPS. Sometimes I can see it a millisecond before the attack occurs, but nonetheless it happens. Our dog attacks other dogs. We’ve had vet bills. I’ve literally had a lady attack me because our dog attacked her dog at the dog park (she was a crazy bitch though and this was when we were just learning about Rosco’s ‘disorder’).
Dog attacks are ugly, violent, scary and distressing. It FREAKS ME OUT. Thus, we don’t ever let our dog out around other dogs (I’ve said this, right?). We don’t go to dog beach. I don’t walk my dog. It’s WAY TOO MUCH to be with two little kids and a dog with special needs that requires so much attention. Ugh. It’s so sad to me. However, he does have a lovely fenced-in big back yard and two little boys who love the heck out of him.
BigBoy can’t sleep without him in his room. Rosco happily and diligently goes to bed with him every nap and every night (sometimes he waits outside of BigBoy’s room when we read books). Rosco SO VERY MUCH wants to belong and he LOVES being a part of our family. He’s protective (in a good way) and loves greeting people (even if it is a bit enthusiastically). He loves to be included. BigBoy will be devastated if I go through with what I’m proposing.
So here’s the proverbial straw… We have awesome neighbors. Patty & Bruce are empty-nesters, both love to cook and are avid wine enthusiasts. So we are happy to accept any and all of their invitations to socialize. They recently got the most delightful, please-let-me-roll-over-so-you-can-pet-my-big-tummy golden lab puppy. Drake is as big of a puppy as he is adorable. Husband and the boys were over at our Patty & Bruce’s watching America lose their World Cup game and the boys came back to get a few toys to take over. I heard BigBoy say, “Drake, go home boy.” I yelled to BigBoy, “SHUT THE DOOR!” as I saw Rosco go to greet the boys. In an instant, Rosco was out the door and on sweet Drake’s neck. (I had just told Patty the prior weekend how concerned I would be if that ever happened to sweet Drake. Self-fulfilling prophecy? I don’t even want to think about that stark possibility.)
I was able to push the boys aside and reach into the melee and grab Rosco off of Drake by the collar and drag his violently rabid ass into the house. Drake was ok. He didn’t have a scratch, but BigBoy and I were badly shaken. I apologized profusely to Patty, but I still can’t shake it.
I’ve had it. We’ve been here before. I just feel that the right course of action is to find the proper owner(s) for Rosco or put him down. This kind of attack could happen again. The kids could get too close to the dogs if another attack occurs (we’ve told them to run away and find help if it ever happens). I think we’ve endured eight years of having a special needs dog and I’ve had the last straw.
I’m heartbroken about this decision. BigBoy is going to be HEARTBROKEN about this decision. We can’t cut it as this dog’s owners. Ugh. He needs love, discipline and exercise that we just can’t fully give. How do we go about finding the right owners for Rosco? How do we go about telling BigBoy, especially so he doesn’t feel like this was his fault? Are we doing the right thing? I was thinking I should handle the “transition” when the boys are away on vacation. Any words of wisdom, comfort and tips for dealing are so very much appreciated. I need a drink. My heart and nerves are frazzled. Cheers friends and thanks for helping us out.
I would see if you can find a good rescue organization. If you can continue to house Roscoe and find a rescue that can help him find a new home, that may be the best way to go. It is a tough thing to have a family member who makes it difficult to interact with friends, and essentially thats what Roscoe is doing.
If it was my dog, I would try and get him adopted. If this couldn’t be done, I would likely have to put him down…It is just to much to risk him hurting the wrong persons dog, or person. You put forth a good faith effort to train him, there is not much else you can ask for…
The only other training/thing I can think of is also adding those electronic fence/collar systems and training him on that so that he never leaves the yard…
Jen, I’m so sorry to hear all of this. No matter what your decision, you are an awesome mom and very conscientious pet owner. Follow your head and heart.
Thanks Justin, I was thinking of going the rescue org route. I appreciate you taking the time to read and chime in.
Jen, I have a mild fear of dogs and therefore don’t own one, so I can only provide sympathy and not empathy in my reply. But it does seem to me that this doesn’t have to be an either/or decision. Rosco is clearly a happy dog — he has a big backyard and people who love him — and the only time he causes you problems is when other dogs come into the picture. It also sounds like you’ve all done a pretty good job at keeping him away from other dogs, (and clearly BigBoy is not going to make that mistake again). It might just be a matter of continuing to keep the dog contained so you can keep the dog, period.
Plenty of people have dogs who can’t get along with other dogs — that’s what “Beware of Dog” signs are for. And let’s remember: Your neighbors’ dog came to *your* house, not the other way around. Even mild-mannered dogs are known to attack if their turf is invaded. I’m sure your neighbors are nice people, but they need to be better about keeping their dog from wandering off, especially since he’s still a puppy.
That said, no matter what decision you make, it will be the right one. I got the impression from your post that you were leaning toward saying goodbye to Rosco, and if you do, then it’s just a matter of committing to that decision, not looking back, and doing your best to heal from it as a family.
Thanks Jen, but what to do when head and heart conflict! Ugh. Hugs to you & Simon.
Thanks Tiffany. Patty (my neighbor) totally apologized for Drake coming over unattended. I think now she’ll be on high alert as we always are. I’m having a hard time committing to the decision, but keep coming back to life with a dog doesn’t have to be THIS hard. He’s a dog, not a child. Thanks for the love and support, friend.
I’m so sorry to hear that. This past Saturday I was debating on getting rid of our lovely lab-weimaraner mix, Linux, but because of a totally different reason. I decided I couldn’t do it, but I know your situation is much more difficult than mine.
I do, however, know how terrifying those attacks can be. My parents two black labs fight violently when there is food and jealousy involved, and I know how terrifying the idea of a baby getting too close to the action can be.
It’s a hard decision, but I feel you and your family will make the right choice for you. If you decide to keep him, I wish you luck that something similar doesn’t happen again. If you decide to give him up, there are very lovely pit bull farms that are no-kill and will either do their best to re-socialize the dog among it’s own kind (a la Cesar Millan), or keep it separated and happy. Good luck with your decision, I know how difficult it is.
Thank you Pua. It’s really kind of you to say so on both parts. We’re having a really tough time.
Oh Jen, I’m so sorry to hear about this. I have had similar scary situations with our dog. My husband’s old friend (a 14 year old Australian Shepard) died when I was pregnant with our first child. I didn’t want to have a puppy and baby at the same time, but I gave in after my child was six months. I insisted we rescue a dog from a shelter but it had to be at least housetrained already. We did that and found a beautiful golden retriever mutt (mixed with what we are not sure). This dog has been so great with our kids, however, we found out after we adopted him that he will kill cats (or other small animals – squirrels, rabbits, etc) and found out that was why his first owner gave him up. It is stressful at times. He also thinks it is a game to run off when he isn’t on the leash (when he is able to sneek out the door or the backyard gate.) I’m always afraid he is going to find a cat. We had one run out of our grill one day when I opened it up to check the propane and he got it…it died. So I feel your pain. We are not contemplating finding a new home for our dog now as it is just frustrating right now….not stressful. It sounds like you have been stressed and in distress over your dog’s behavior for quite awhile. I understand the pain of losing a dog (in order to find a better home or due to death) but I hate to say that you might be better off to look into the rescue organization for Roscoe and get a new dog for your family. You can have a dog that will not be a stressor on you and give love to your kids and family. Love to you and your family XXXOOO, Sara
Thanks Sara. Yep, you totally get it. Did you keep your dog afterall? I think a rescue organization is the way to go.
Yes Jen, we still have our dog, but he hasn’t gotten ahold of any small animals lately. We’ve moved a couple of times since he got that one cat from the grill and it hasn’t been stressful at the last couple of places that we have lived- just annoying when he gets out and we have to chase after him (and hope he doesn’t run across a cat.) Hope you can find a wonderful new home for Rosco and the perfect dog for your family
Jen, I am so sorry to hear about all of this. It is a terrible situation and I certainly understand your anguish. I can only reiterate others’ suggestions that you investigate rescues. I worked with a lab rescue organization back in DC for years before moving to CA. They can provide a noble and needed service to the community. Your success in going this route will greatly depend on the rescues that are available here and what their policies/capacities are. I would probably suggest checking into breed-specific rescues first. The orgnization I worked with only dealt with labs and they were very well educated and knowledgeable about the breed and worked extremely hard on rehabilitation, retraining, and on making great matches between rescued dogs and potential adopters. I would think you would want that peace of mind if you go that route. I also know that many rescues, for liability reasons, will not take a dog that has bitten. Just be completely honest with them about your situation. You may find that there is a great and responsible pit bull rescue in the area that can really help you through this no matter the outcome – they may just have a lot of knowledge and experience that will help you come to the right decision for your family. I really wish you the best of luck. It is an unfortunate situation that is not your fault. You are doing the right thing by exploring your options and asking for help.
Jen-you know how badly I feel that Drake wondered over with Drew. I’m sorry that happened. You know I adore Rosco. I talk to him over the fence and visit him when you aren’t home. That being said, we also both know that the reason why you voiced your concern the other day about him attacking Drake is because you don’t trust him. I can’t imagine having a dog I don’t trust. As you have said you are nervous every time you open the door. Instead of Drake it could have been someone walking on the sidewalk in front of your house. I have also heard you say “I am so thankful the kids didn’t get in between the dogs”. A family pet should not cause this much stress.
I’m not saying that Rosco is a bad dog. He just may not be where he is supposed to be. Dogs are meant to be companions. They are also very perceptive. As much as you and the kids love him he feels your anxiety every time you open that door. He is acting out his anxiety.
Often we have to make decisions that are for the best interest of ourselves and those around us even though it may be painful. You and Rosco both deserve to have homes where you both feel safe and comfortable. I am confident that if you put the effort into finding him a new home, you will be happy with that decision. XOXO Patty
Susan, thanks for the reinforcement and support. I chuckled thinking about a pit bull rescue with a bunch of dogs that hadn’t bitten. For that breed that’s probably why they are there. From all the advice we’re getting, I think the rescue is the way to go. Now, I’m more worried about BigBoy. Thanks again for the comment.
Thank you super-neighbor Patty. You’ve always been kind, supportive and understanding of our “special needs” furry friend Rosco. Love you guys!
Just a suggestion Jen that if you find a rescue organization for Rosco that you might want to include Bigboy in some research to find another dog that is perfect for your family. A new dog will never take Rosco’s place as BigBoy has grown up with him, but at least BigBoy can feel that he helped to find a new dog for your family to love.
This was forwarded to me by a friend, I live in Seattle and have volunteered at local shelters for years. My first dog that was my own was a 5 year old pittie female who had been dumped. I had no idea what I was getting into with the breed, she was very dog aggressive. But I was smitten, I’d made the commitment and stuck by it. You’re right, it isn’t a child, it is a dog, but it deserves just as much commitment and dedication. Roscoe cannot speak for himself, he cannot defend himself, he is completely dependent on you and your family for his care.
This is what I’ve gleaned from chatting with friends about this. If this dog is a good fit within your family, can you come up with a safety procedure to ensure this dog won’t gain access to attack the neighbors dog (or others)? I know it’s a lot to manage when you have small children and a busy life but small changes may be all that’s needed. This might mean part of the house is gated (and locked – child proof) where Roscoe will spend his time when mom is “busy”. And/or a few hours crate time per day. Outside play time (in the yard) for the dog is limited to when mom can supervise. The outside fence gates are padlocked !!…too many stories about kids opening gates and letting dogs out. And/or maybe the dog wears a basket muzzle when in the yard – just in case. I had to put a basket muzzle on Ginger, it was hard to do, but it kept her safe and other dogs safe. The dog will lose some of its freedom but the kids can keep their dog, and there is one less dog-aggress dog to re-home, if a rescue even takes him on. PLus, you are teaching your kids a valuable lesson in commitment and that animals are not disposable. We are such a disposable society, it would be great to teach them that when you take something on, you see it through. As far as Roscoe, I think the dog would choose to keep his family in trade for a little less freedom.
Again, just my thoughts. If you’d like some info on other resources, feel free to email me, estherlillian@hotmail.com. Jenny Diamond
Agreed Sara. I was already thinking that it would be integral to the process. However, Husband is pretty darn adamant that we won’t be getting another dog for a long while. I think BigBoy and I will win.
Hi Jen, you don’t know me except through Twitter and your Jen FB group, but I just wanted to reply here. I was a foster parent for dogs, specifically pit bulls, and adopted my pit bull, Toby, when he was 6 weeks old. I love him to death and you are right, being a pit bull mommy and daddy takes a lot of special responsibility!
I wouldn’t try and find new owners for the pup; instead, I would definitely find a rescue group—specifically, a pit bull rescue group. If there are no specific pit bull rescue groups in your area, there are some around, even Seattle, that would make sure your little guy went to a safe group and eventually into good hands.
I feel for you and I agree, you are a wonderful doggy mommy and these decisions are truly heartbreaking!
BTW, I can get you names of rescue groups and people specifically trained to work with pit bulls that would be thrilled to help you out. Don’t put him down; just get him into the right hands.
I was talking to Bryan (my Bryan)about this last night. He actually helped me put down thoughts last night and said he would love to talk to you about it.
What he wanted to share is the story of getting Aztec. We had lost Celtic in July when Bryan was just 6. He was devistated as it was pretty sudden and unexpected. His security blanket was gone. However, we couldn’t get another dog until October of that year. Once we did he said it made all the difference to him. He shifted his sadness from Celtic to happiness of Aztec. I don’t know if this is an option you are willing to entertain, but Bryan wanted to share it with you.
Jenny Diamond, I so very much appreciate your thoughtful response and I will deeply consider your suggestions. I wholeheartedly agree with your comments about a “disposable society” and that is not something I want to perpetuate, particularly when it comes to our pets! You’re hitting a very sharp, but good, chord with me as I contemplate this decision further. Many thanks.
Thank you Jen (CommercialFishingMom). I know EXACTLY who you are. My in laws are from small town Nova Scotia and have seen a bit of the fisherman family life. And since you were a jen, I thought it would be to see your perspective on life from time to time. THANK YOU for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate your kind words.
Patty, PLEASE tell this story to my husband. He’s pretty adamant that we won’t be getting a dog anytime soon and security for BigBoy (especially since Kindergarten is a big enough change!) is EXACTLY what I’m most worried about. Thanks and hugs.
You are welcome, I hope I don’t offend. I’m coming from the perspective of a woman who has chosen not to have children, but instead my husband and I have dogs, so I cannot say that I can completely relate to where you are coming from or have the freedom to criticize when I do not know exactly what it’s like to walk in your shoes. My concern comes from the fact that there are SO many of this breed out there that are so great, are not dog aggressive and it’s hard to get even them adopted out. I worry that Roscoe will get lost in the shuffle, being dog aggressive will make him “less adoptable” and he’ll end up being put down. It’s not something you can train out of him, you need to learn to manage it, and it sounds like you really are trying. I liken it to having a special needs child. I’m the “parent” and i need to know what situations my “child” can and cannot handle and not put them into those they cannot handle.
Again, if I can help with resources, etc, please feel free to email me. And, just as a side note, my husband’s from Nova Scotia too! (Truro to be exact).
Oh, I’m so sorry! What a terrible position to be in. I don’t have any answers or suggestions – just a comment hug.
Jenny, you absolutely do not offend and I appreciate your perspective. I do relate to my dog as one with “special needs.” You are hitting on so many of my concerns…a disposable world, an aggressive dog at a rescue, not wanting to give up but continue to manage, etc. It’s been a lot to deal with for the last 8 years. I do love him, but also want to do right all the way around. I fear that this is a no win situation. Thanks again for your thoughtful comments.
BTW, my husband went to Acadia, his father was raised in Alton and mother in Halifax. The boys are heading there at the end of the month.
Hi JerseyGirl, thanks for the virtual hug.
Hi Jen,
I just got back to this, sorry, it’s been a busy few weeks! My husband went to Acadia too! He was there for his first 2 years, I think, and then went to TUNS, Technical University of Nova Scotia. He graduated in about 1991, I think, but I know his sister, Carolyn was there also. She was younger. Small world, huh?
How are things going? Please let us know if we can help.
I love that you’ve poured yourself into finding the best solution for all parties involved. And every bit of advice contains helpful gems. But what I’m reading is that you know what you need/want to do but are having difficulty (for all the right reasons too). If you could afford counseling, I’d spring for that to help give you strength. Clearly you’re a loving, conscientious mom that will help BigBoy with the painful transition. Try to focus on 6 months out when you’ve freed up tremendous energy that you’ll be able to pour back into yourself & family. Roscoe knows he’s loved.
Thank you Lisa for reading and commenting. I appreciate your thoughtful comments. Since we’re new friends IRL, I’d love for you to meet Rosco and see how BigBoy interacts with him. It’s such a tough place we’re in with him. Husband is really advocating the electronic fence and barking collar. I’m so torn. But like you said, wanting to do what’s best for all involve. Ugh. And thank you.
Meeting Roscoe sounds like a good idea & I can predict I’ll than be at a loss for words, probably cry about it & only be able to truly give you a hug & support you on whatever decision you ultimately make. Life is so hard sometimes.