Birthday Pancakes (our family tradition)

Dearest BigBoy,

My heart swells with pride and overflows with love every time I see you. You are a very special little boy. Last week you turned seven. I can hardly believe it. Seven. Every parent says the time goes so quickly and now I say it too. What a wonderful big boy you’ve become.

As a first grader (omg!!!), you are a super student. You now read very well and enjoy reading books. I giggled with delight after I “caught” you reading books in your closet last night when you should have been in bed. Having you read to me is a life’s treasure. You ace your math quizzes and almost always get your bonus spelling words correct. This has me beaming with parental pride. The best part of being your parent is always hearing how kind and polite you are in the classroom and when you go to other people’s homes. Thank you, thank you my little lovely! Hearing those words from other adults are like the angels singing to me.

This year you’ve really matured. You can now hang with the bigger kids on our block without crying or having meltdowns, and I hear that you can hold your own on the playground playing tetherball. While you are still a boy that deeply feels his feelings you keep them in check and let it go when it’s appropriate to do so. I respect your desire and need for “talk to myself time” (your down time) as wish I did that more for myself. I love when you confide in me and we get to talk things out together. I look forward to many more years of helping support you through life’s challenges.

Teaching Mom How to Drive at Autotopia at Disneyland

You have been a valuable teacher to me. Putting things very plainly and often with your kooky sense of humor, you have been a comfort and joy when I really needed it. One of the most favorite things that you say to me when I get stressed because your little brother is freaking out and things just aren’t going my way, you have on numerous occasions rubbed my arm and said, “Mom, I know it’s hard to be a parent. It will be okay.” Sometimes that’s precisely the reset that I need.

This past year you and Daddy have begun Adventure Guides through the YMCA. It is teaching you to be brave and a good young man. While this is excellent father-son bonding time, a friendship with Paolito has also been a wonderful gift of your manly camping weekends.

Brave Buddies at Adventure Guides

You and your buddies, Paolito, Reece, and Adrian, are all about Bey Blades (and you’ve even re-recruited some of the older kids on the block to play again!). You talk endlessly about the performance tips, energy rings and battle characteristics of all of the blades. You save your $2 allowance each week to buy your next favorite battler. I think you are a bit obsessed, but you play with such passion and save your money so well, that it’s delightful to see you scream,”3-2-1 Let It Rip!!!” You are kind and inclusive to your little brother such that it is a joy to see you two play together so well. BabyD admires you so.

The big gift this last Christmas was Wii Skylanders. Though your fixation on Bey Blades has yet to wane, you and your frieds are all about the different virtual characters of Skylander and I’m pretty awesome at Stealth Elf, if I do say so myself. I look forward to seeing your collection grow.

You are fun, playful, joyous and full of goodness. I am so proud to be your Mommy. Keep up the great work. Happy 7th year my BigBoy. Know that you are loved.

Your Mom,

Not Just Another Jen

Now flashback to last weekend when we were hustling between getting kids fed and going to soccer practice, three Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on our door.

Husband answered the door and politely said, “No thank you.” But of course they insisted that he take their literature.

I meanwhile was in the office down the hall and could hear everything. In fact, I had quickly retreated when I saw who was at our door.

Husband responded to the woman with the out-stretched arm emphatically, “Really. NO. We’re not religious.”

“Oh,” she said with as she nodded to the decorative corner, “Is that what this sign is about?”

He replied, “Oh yes, that’s my wife. She actually believes that she has supernatural powers.”

Silence.

All I could think to do was cackle loudly from the back room.

They left without saying a further word.

And that’s how we roll.  Happy Halloween everyone!

But then I can feel it rumbling deep in the depths of my core and in the dark corners of my mind.  Then nervous panic will set in like a creeping cold sweat.  Prickling up my spine, sneaking to the front, and across my chest.  It grips my heart and makes my stomach turn.

Honestly, I don’t know if we’re going to make it.  Married for nine years and the last year we’ve been going to counseling.  Working to keep us together, it’s definitely made a difference in our relationship.  Less fiery anger and more heartfelt conversations have reestablished our connection.  There still is plenty of work to do.  Some conversations still need to be had.

Sure, we could stay together for the kids. That would work for a while.  But really, is there room enough here for both of us? All of us—the biggest part of us and the smallest parts of us. In the twisted, dented package that we both come in. Do we want to be here for each other?

I want to make ultimatums. I want answers. I want an immediate fix to my discomfort and my not knowing.

The real truth is that he doesn’t have the answers and neither do I.

“Put it to the side,” I tell myself. No need to feed that wolf.  Breathe. Find ‘patience’ in my breath.  I know I’m not going anywhere. I know that I’m committed to this marriage.  Keep focused on what’s important, what’s positive, what’s making a difference.  This is a long-term marriage and this is what it looks like sometimes.

Maybe this is my year of …Not the Story You Think It Is.  But here I am again, at my resolution.  I need to/want to/must move through the fear and be in action toward my desired outcome (long-term marriage…maybe I need to revised that to happy, thriving long-term marriage).

This reminds me of a quote that I’ve had on my bulletin board for years.

How do you go beyond your fears and “do it” anyhow? By first acknowledging that the fear is there and probably always will be there when you are going to play your life to “win.”  Acknowledge it by stating: “Ah there’s that fear again.” Then say, “Thank you for sharing.  But what am I committed to and what action at this moment do I NEED to take in order to realize my commitment?”  Second, put your energy on what you want to create rather than putting your energy on the fear of what might happen when you risk.  What we put our energy on will grow. Then take the first action step necessary to start you on the path to realizing your goal. What stops most people is the START.  Then take the second step, and then the third, and so on. Before you know it, because of the new POSITIVE habit, your desires and your actions will be stronger than your fears.

Fear can stop you if you allow it to, or you can move through it and have your goal drive you rather than your fear to stop you.  It’s YOUR choice, choose ACTION!

-       Clement Pepe, Success Coach

This was written in conjunction with the Word of the Month Club.  Wanna play? Check out #NJAJWOTM on Twitter or check out the first post of each month. Would love for you to join!

I love them. I hate them. I love them. And I'm DAMN proud to be the 4th sister!

An ode to woman for which you shouldn’t be surprised
Because we come from the same cloth, Shane Parmely, you and I.

We are true sisters from a long away tribe
that had feistiness and spriteliness and goddess inside.
For you see my all of me, the warts and beauty within
you bring out my sexiness and happiness and skin!

For you, I am greatful* and thrilled that we’re friends,
but truly I know we are sisters of kin.

And your sisters are my sisters and friends of friends
For when we are together, may the good times never end!
For you are a very happy spot in my life
That is forever truthful and mighty and I take in stride

But one thing’s for sure and will not deny
You are my sista sista
and friend
you and I

Inspired by the outrageous group of women at Sister Anna’s Palm Spring 1^st Annual Bachelorette Party.  Cheers ladies and friends of friends!

*yes, goddammit I know I misspelled the word

My heart sank.  How would you even approach that conversation?  As a parent, I couldn’t even imagine.  And I’m sure many of you have been through it as adolescents.  It was devastating, wasn’t it?  My heart cried for all of them and this disturbing thought has stuck with me.

My All-Time Favorite Picture of My Parents, circa 1969

I am happy (and thankful) that my parents never had to have that conversation with me.  My parents are still together.  They married in November 1963 (yeah, that would be 47 years!), just six months after graduating high school in a sunny little Southern California town and just a few days after John F. Kennedy was assassinated, which explains why they didn’t have a wedding photographer (the nation was stunned).  But my Dad didn’t want to lose my Mom when his parents decided to buy a motel on the other side of the country in rural Pennsylvania.  So they got married.

Husbands’ parents have also stuck it out. Their romance begun in college in rural Nova Scotia just a few years later in 1968.  We’re both really lucky to have role models of long-term marriages.

So back to that afternoon of sipping margaritas with girlfriends…I think I grilled Janet about what they had done to try and save their marriage.  Did you go to counseling? “Yeah but we didn’t like it.”  Did you find another counselor that was a better fit then? “We went to a few, but I hated it. I don’t like looking at my feelings and mulling everything over and over.”  {ahem}  Have you had a separation? “No, Dan lives downstairs in our game room.” {hmmm}

OMG I’m such a judgmental bitch.

Seriously, shame on me because I haven’t lived with either of them or walked in their shoes.  Hell, I’ve been previously married and divorced!  So who am I to judge?  Nobody knows what goes on between two people in a relationship for 20 years. The resentments that can build and never get washed away are sometimes too much for people to bear.

Mom, Dad & BigBoy as a Baby (2005)

Except that I’ve watched my parents for the last (almost) 40 years to see how they do it.  How do you survive a marriage of 47 years?  Sometimes my parents have happily danced along.  Sometimes they trudged along.  Trust me it’s been a rocky road for them though the years; failed businesses, accusations of infidelity, moving cross-country (a couple of times), health problems, etc.  They have never been to counseling. I suspect that they think it’s either too expensive or too indulgent.  I know growing up that there was 2 (maybe 3) times that my parents separated (as in moved out) for extended periods of times (months maybe even a full year, I should ask them).  But somehow they always came back together because they couldn’t imagine being a part in the end.

Most the time, I think they’re nuts.  I couldn’t stand living with either of them, let alone for 47 years.  But I know there is great love there.  They took their vows seriously even though I doubt they could remember them now.

Bro, Hawt SIL, Dad, Mom, Me & Hubs, Thanksgiving 2010

I am thankful that I have parents (and Husbands’ too) that have stayed together for so long to model what a long-long-long-term marriage looks like.  I have examples of how to survive and weather the tough years, because they have had some tough years.

Thanks Mom & Dad for showing us HOW long-long-long term marriage CAN BE done.  Not always gracefully, but together.  Somehow, someway you’ve made it work and taught us there are many options to explore before divorce. Now I sit on my high horse and pass judgment on others. (please god forgive me)

I love you both.

Cheers!

Mom & I playing Betty Homemaker - Christmas 2009

On this Thursday, I knew exactly what I was thankful for.  I didn’t even have to think about it. I’m thankful for my Mommy.  She lives in Colorado and we don’t get the opportunity to see each other more than twice a year typically.

Right now my life is a bit crazy; working from home, not keeping house, keeping up with the boys their toys and playdates, my playdates and keeping my relationship going strong (I don’t want to lose this great momentum that we’ve created!).  AND BigBoy’s 6^th birthday is this weekend.  AND I’m doing a vision board party next weekend.  AND my back is out of wack, I still need to work out, and I’m trying not to stress to the max.  But here I am all over myself and all over you.  Sorry.

Well, my Mom is here.  My house is dirty.  She don’t care.  I barely have anything yet for BigBoy’s party. We need to do some work in the back yard. But don’t worry…my Mom is here.  And she’s happy to help.  And she’s got a great attitude.  And she gives hugs too.

No one else in the world can take care of you like your Mom.  My Mom is sooo taking care of me right now. I AM SO THANKFUL.  Cuz clearly I need some help.  I’m in the weeds a bit over my head.  If I can keep telling myself, “one thing at a time,” keep breathing, “it’ll be okay,” and knowing that my Mom is here helping me…then this weekend is going to be great.

I just need to remember to keep breathing, saying thank you, and having faith it will get done.  And what won’t get done will be okay.

Ok?

Ok.

Thanks Mom!  I love you and I’m so glad you’re here.

Let me start by saying I love my neighbors.  Patty & Bruce are exactly the neighbors you would want when you move into a new neighborhood.  They are about 10 years our senior, their son went off to college a few years ago and they live a beautiful life.  Patty creates beauty in everything she touches – her garden (which I so thankfully look at often), her cooking (and baking and hosting) is phenomenal and her great community of wonderful women is inspiring.  When we moved here they threw a block party to introduce us to our other neighbors.  They are awesome, don’t cha think?

Well, I mentioned Patty’s community of friends.  I’ve met a number of her girlfriends through the years, at parties and in passing.  You can tell that they are a tight knit group of fun gals – some empty nesters, many with kids at home, all looking good and feeling great as they move gracefully through their late 40s and into their 50s.  Patty and many of her friends are even do-gooders dedicated to the Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure, raised a shit load of money last year and did the 60-mile walk. They put their money, heart and soul into a worthy cause together.  And they’ve done it before and they’ll surely do it again.  Anyway, I look up to these gals knowing that they are spending some of their best years of their life together.  Watching each others’ kids go through school, playing sports, celebrating holidays together, sometimes even sharing family vacations.  Being friends and families together through the years.

Yesterday, I heard that one of Patty & Bruce’s dearest friends passed away.  Mike McElroy, 53, father of 3, fit and a good man was walking up Paint Mountain with his wife Susan, like they do many times a week.  Got to the top, looked up at her with a half smile, sat down, laid down and turned blue.  He died.  Right there in front of her.  Patty was one of the first people Susan called.  Patty was there when the kids came home from school and Susan had to tell them that their dad won’t be coming back.

Yep.

Susan is the tall, pretty one of Patty’s friends.  She’s the kind of woman that you say, “Wow, I hope I look as good as she does when I turn 50.”  Together, Mike and Susan have three children – two boys, aged 13 and 11, and one girl, 8 years old.  My heart breaks for that family.  For how they are falling apart right now and realizing that their family will never be the same.  My heart is breaking for Susan that she has lost her partner and husband with whom she created a beautiful and picture perfect life.  My heart is breaking for those kids who have lost not only their father, but their hero and friend.

My heart goes out to Patty and Bruce because this will rock them and their community.  Mike was 53.  That’s so incredibly young to up and have a heart attack. And die.  Right there.  While hiking with his wife on a hike that they did all the time. That’s got to grab your collar of mortality and look you in the face (particularly for men of a certain age).  And Mike was healthy and fit.  He was active and ate well.  He was involved with his children, coached their sports teams, picked them up from school.  Now he’s not.  Just like that.  It doesn’t seem right.

Now The McElroy’s community and extended family are shaken, but holding steady.  Their arms are big and wide.  Holding them.  Feeding them.  Crying with them.

And it’s in these moments that I hold my babies just a little bit tighter.  Look my husband in the eyes and squeeze his hand.  And tell my friends that I love them. I am deeply thankful for my family, but I know that it’s friends that tell the story of our lives.  Friends will hold the McElroy’s through this time.  So thank you to my dear family of friends because it’s you who witness my life and the life of my family.  You are ones that will hold me through the happiest and most tragic times.  Thank you for being there.  You know who you are.

Cheers.

Added Sat., January 15———-

Patty sent this to me via email.  She has given permission to post it here.

Some wonderful blogger in my Facebook feed said something like, “run out and get this book, now.”  So I did and I’m so sorry I don’t remember which blogger it was, but clearly it’s someone I respect because I did read this book pretty quickly.  I reserved it at my library and surprisingly it came within the month.  So I took it as a sign.

If you from time to time read self-help books or enlightened memoirs (á la Eat, Pray, Love) and especially if you’re in a long-term relationship, run out and get This Is Not The Story You Think It Is…A Season of Unlikely Happiness by Laura Munson.  It really has been working on me.  I can’t stop thinking about the book and the author.  Do I love her and think she’s brilliant?  Or do I want to slap her and say, “Are you kidding me?”  I’m not so sure which.

Briefly, the story is of a former Chicago debutante, now a married 40ish mom of two who resides in Montana.  She returns from a soulful journey in Florence with her 10ish year old daughter and her husband tells her that he doesn’t love her anymore.  Her response (and I’m paraphrasing here), “I’m not buying it.”  Well, she actually does say that, but there’s a lot more.  And she decides that despite this marital crisis, she’s determined to be happy.  Not like Pollyanna and “put on a happy face” kind of forced happy, but to get out of the way of suffering at these crossroads.

Munson’s strategy is that if she’s getting out of way of being the victim, not taking the blame for her husband’s mid-life crisis, maybe she can ride it out.  Along with her therapist, she sets a timeline for how long she’ll tolerate his bullshit, but otherwise she pretty much shuts her mouth (yeah, not sure I could do that well), takes the high road, gets out of his way, and practices choosing satisfaction and joy in the face of potentially her family’s collapse.

What’s so compelling for me is that I’m a person that takes on yearly practices and spends a fair amount of time on self-improvement and working toward being a better human being.  I care a lot about my relationships with others, particularly my family and close friends.  And when I read this book, I kept thinking, could I do what the author is doing faced with the same predicament? And thankfully, I am not in the same predicament.  Do I agree with what she’s doing or would I just throw in the towel and say, “Well F you too asshole!”  She has a lot of courage and emotional strength that I’ve never seen portrayed so well in a book.  Or maybe this book is just timely and it’s speaking to me loud and clear.

It’s like that whole Hillary Clinton/Tammy Wynette conversation comes up again.  You know the part, where you think you know what you would do.  Well, this book really had me thinking about her strategy to stay in the relationship.  I am in the long-term marriage game, and of late, we’ve been a bit in the weeds.  No one’s going anywhere, but I need better coping mechanisms and learning opportunities.  So I’m trying her strategy on.  Knowing where and when I’m suffering and then choosing joy even in potentially irritating moments.

Wow.  What a great choice to make.  Awareness that I’m being whiny or suffering.  Therefore I choose something different.  I am the creator of my reality.  So I choose Joy.  Happiness.  Satisfaction.  I think I’ll try that on.

Can I be as aware as the author? It’s practice, right? Knowing when I am suffering and playing the victim (usually it comes with a whine) then setting my intention and choosing my behavior from that knowledge.   There was a whole lot of melting down, manipulation, and temper-tantrum throwing that Munson could have done and would have been well-justified.  But she didn’t go there.  She acted out in her mind, which as the reader we were privy too, but again shut her mouth and took the high road, because she evaluated the effects of her behavior and knowing that she was creating a different path, acted accordingly.  She was holding on to her long-term intention of ending her suffering (thus leading to happiness) and allowing her husband to do his work.  She made a choice.  I like that.  Setting an intention and making choices based on that.  She let go of controlling and manipulating the outcome, that’s trusting.  And that is the high road.  Now that’s a good thing to practice.

I think I’ll be taking that on this year.  I recently caught an Oprah interview with billionaire-author J.K. Rowling.  In it, Ohps joked that she’s really good at picking out what’s not working, which is peculiar when she knows the benefits of focusing on (and practicing) looking for what’s working and lifting it up (again paraphrasing here).  Me and Ohps knows what works and talk a lot about it, but it’s in the act of practice where we can perfect.  An old friend always would say, “practice makes permanent.”  I need to practice more.

So there you have it.  A book review and my resolutions for the year.  Yep, this book was a good sign.  Now maybe you don’t know if you want to slap me silly with all this talk or if you want to join me in this new awareness and practice.  It’s always great to have companions and learning partners.  Maybe you can laugh with me or at me.  Either way, I’m glad you’re here.

Best wishes for you finding your awareness and joy in 2011.  Cheers!

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