Each morning BigBoy was scouring the couch for change, picking up any coins that we had discarded on the counter from the night before and encouraging us to match his donations. We gladly gave, encouraged by our son’s altruistic drive for his school’s library. I was proud and wanted to exclaim, “My son loves to read! Yippee! He wants to share his love of reading with everyone!”

As the deadline loomed, Husband and I noticed that BigBoy was particularly gloomy over dinner. BigBoy said, “I have something to ask you and I really don’t want you to say no.”

We looked at each other with raised eyebrows, “Okaaaay.”

“I want $100,” BigBoy said emphatically.

“No,” I said immediately.

The ever-patient and loving Husband then asked, “What for?”

“Well, you know Grammie & Grampie are going to give me money for Christmas. I want to take $50 from their gift, have you match $50 and I take it to school for the library fundraiser,” he explained.

A part of me went, “ahhhh, how sweet” and the other part went, “Hell no.” We explained that the money from Grammie & Grampie is supposed to go to Christmas gifts for him. We applauded his desire to do good, but then painted a bleak picture of three little brother gifts to every one of his under the tree Christmas morning and asked how that would make him feel (because you know that would be an ugly scene… “MooOOOM! He got more presents than me!!!” I can hear it now. God help me.) He said he was still pretty committed to the money, but we asked him to sleep on it and tell us in the morning what he had decided.

Then Husband in his brilliance asked, “What’s most important about bringing the money in?” Because you know I was thinking, if he decides that’s how he wants to spend his money, we really should let him (and will we really match his contribution?).

BigBoy responded, “Alien cake.”

“I’m sorry, WhAt?!?!?”

He explained that the winners get a cake shaped like an alien and a party for their class. So that was really his motivation, not necessarily the do-gooder part!?!?!? My heart momentarily sank, but then I thought, whatever, the philanthropy still counts in my book.

“Now that’s a horse of a different color!” I exclaimed.

Look what we made this weekend. That’s a beautiful cake, isn’t it? Kinda looks like an alien, right? Good enough and it’s tasty. It saved us $50 and a little boy’s Christmas. Now that’s a good box of cake mix.

Cheers!

Because this is a story about giving. I’m including it in the November Word of the Month meme. November’s word is GIVE.

This year there will be ample opportunities for us to volunteer: in the classroom, on the playground, with the PTA, for the fundraisers, as the soccer coach. Please for the love of all things good, say yes, but let’s say yes this year with a little more thought and intention. Mostly, let’s not ‘lose it’ this year.

Allow me to look back, when you were pulling your hair out and not sleeping because you were over-committed and going nuts. You were turning into the psycho-bitchy mom that some people just want to steer away from. As your kids are getting older, they are seeing you go mad (yes, as in crazy and angry) and they are starting to make fun of you (and it’s only getting worse).

Let’s just pause the video of last year and reflect as to how you got this way. You wanted to help. That’s great and much appreciated, however you being crazed at the end of the year didn’t serve your community, family or yourself well. And you know the neighborhood talks. So let’s think this through.

First let’s consider what’s currently on your plate. You have a commitment to a strong marriage and you have another little one at home. You already are the soccer team mom and volunteer in your kindergartner’s classroom. You also are the shuttle service for dance class, carpool twice a week for soccer and little Johnnie wants to add on karate this year and you’re considering it. (That alone makes me want to drink more, but let’s get back to you…). I also know that you cook most your family’s meals, do all the laundry and shopping, and your husband occasionally travels for work.

And because this is my blog and truly I am looking out for you, you need to wear something more than your yoga pants. I’m just saying girl, you totally have cute clothes and you never wear them! I know that you’d feel better if you would give yourself a little more time (especially in the morning!). This is a conversation for another day, but I just want to bookmark this for a future bottle of wine and chit chat. And your van really needs to go to the car wash more than once a semester. It will force your to find whatever that smell is that my kid complains about when riding in your car. Okay, had to say that. So back to you…

Do you really need to take on one more volunteer opportunity? I know you are incredible. Totally. You made a big impact last year and I do think volunteering is important. But I also think you are important. You were getting all aggro and way too stressed last year. I am confident that someone else will take on the challenge. I worry about you, your health and mental stability.

I just think as committed and good moms we sometimes take on too much and don’t know where our limits are. Then we go crazy in the process of doing everything, exhausting ourselves, getting sick when the little ones catch a bug and then we’re a grumpy, stressed out mess.  By the time the holidays come around, we’re verging on the edge of a total breakdown. Let’s commit to not going down that path this year. Let’s say yes to one thing, maybe two, and do it well. Let’s keep our sanity in check.

As our kids are headed to class and the parent-teacher meetings and fall social signups start happening, heed my warning. Think about this pep talk and respond with, “let me think about it” rather than automatically saying yes because you did that last year. Because look at what happened to you.

Girls, we’re in this together. I say this as much to you as to me. Let’s just think about all that we already do (and do it well) before we go and sign up for one more thing. Cheers to a great school year without making ourselves crazy. I’ll drink to that.

Mikey's Fun Wheel: SURPRISE

Oh my goodness gracious, BigBoy & our friend, Z, had a great time at Disneyland’s California Adventure.

Happy Wordless Wednesday!!!

We moved to this neighborhood in 2006 from San Francisco. Thanks to our neighbors, Patty & Bruce, we immediately met a bunch of our neighbors, but at the time there weren’t many with kids at our age (or so I thought). Since BigBoy has gone to kindergarten, it’s like all of a sudden lots of school age children have appeared right around the corner from us. And what makes it even cooler is that there are lots and lots of boys. And what’s even awesomer (yes, that’s a word)…I like the moms!  C’mon, tell the truth, you don’t love all the women you meet?

Pilar, Tanya, Me, Michelle, Lucky Dame & Therese

Relationships with other moms warrants a blog post all on its own. It’s full of land mines and missteps. I feel so lucky and thankful to have connected with the lovely ladies of my block. One of them is even a blogger, Lucky Dame, so we have that in common too. All the ladies live within two blocks of each other and our boys range from 18 months – 9 years old (2nd graders). There’s enough of a spread that someone always has a playmate (well except for when BigBoy decides to quiet his mind by himself). Jelly Bean is the youngest so we really have to keep our eyes on him when he’s out of his high chair, but he’ll be running with the big boys in no time.

Often times, we extend an invitation to other friends and MOBs (Moms of Boys) who are outside our block. Sometimes, the lovely Therese joins us. You want to hate her, but can’t help but to love her.  She’s the friend without kids that we jealously hear about her great trips and glamorous life. She adds a touch of class to our group and always brings great wine.  Damn her flat belly, but then again tiny Tanya doesn’t have one either.

Every Friday around 3:00, you can find us at one of our homes. Sometimes we play Rummikub, but mostly you can count on us hovering near the food and wine, handing out juiceboxes. The big boys generally are outside playing tag or soccer while the littlest boys (BabyD and Juice Box) are playing with trains in another room.

Food, wine, exercise tips, body image, professional advice, sanity support, and marital advice are just some of the things we’ve shared.  Trouble and unexplained bruises generally occurs when Pilar is the afternoon’s mixologist, but we’re not nearly as crazy as you might imagine (okay maybe a little).  Mostly it’s just good clean fun.  We have shared so many great laughs, supportive words, kind hugs, and even dance moves. We all feel truly thankful and damn lucky to have found each other — a great group of women and their boys that all get along and play well together. It’s been so wonderful to have friends like these and right around the block. Thanks gals for the fun and friendship!  Cheers to you!

What are you most thankful for this week? Leave a comment and let me know and if you blog, feel free to borrow my button and link to your Thankful Thursday post.

Usually I don’t write on Wordless Wednesday, but I’m so overtaken with this photo that I’m declaring this a (not so) WW.  Last Friday, we were over at Lucky Dame’s house with a bunch of boys in the backyard, adults in the kitchen and all of a sudden I look out back and there’s BigBoy sitting on a rock.  Thankfully, Michelle snapped this picture.  I’ve since talked with him about it.  He told me that it’s important to “quiet the mind” and it makes him a better fighter. “Don’t you know Mom, it’s a part of Jedi Training.” Duh. Oh how I love this kid.

BabyD's Birth Day

First off BabyD, I am thankful for the way that you arrived in this world.  You taught me that I am powerful.  That I am strong.  That I am capable.  Put a point on the board for mother over 35 delivering via VBAC.  My triumph soon turned to tears because within 2 days we had to return to the hospital.  You had jaundice and you had it bad.  I had to steadily repeat, “It’s gonna be okay.”  I said it for you.  I said it for me.  And after five days of intense light therapy, we got to bring you home for reals.

You came out with a personality.  You have charisma and just that little something that draws people in.  You have just enough little sparkle that I know can go either way. You’re like a little magical creature. I know in your heart you’re good, but you have this mischievous side that you do not ignore. I am thankful for your little extra something, personality, and charm.  You should also know your momma is watching you.

BabyD has joy

I am super-duper thankful for your laugh.  You came out full of joy and have this incredibly infectious giggle.  If I need to lift my spirits all I have to do is give you a Tickle Attack.  Ah, my heart feels like a big smile even when I write those words.  Your diabolical laugh is aces and cracks us up.

I am so very thankful that you talk clearly and have for a while now.  Nothing is more frustrating as a parent when your child can’t or won’t talk.  I swear BigBoy  wasn’t talking clearly until 3½ .  So thank you BabyD for your desire to communicate and being kind to your parents.  I love listening to you express yourself.  You do it so well.

BabyD has a devilish grin

Son, you have fashion sense.  You know which shirts are cool and I crack up that you ask me to do your hair.  I am thankful that I can talk clothes with at least one boy in the house.  I’m pretty sure that you are not gay, but I’ll love you either way.

I am thankful that while you love to play with the big boys on our block you still love to sit on Mommy’s lap, hold my hand, and want to be carried to bed like a baby.  You have always been rather affectionate and I am so thankful for that.  I didn’t ask for girls, but I got a love bug with you.  Thank you.

BabyD has style

Happy birthday BabyD.  I don’t care if you’re 16 or 60, that will always be your name to me.  Your Mommy & Daddy love you and we are so thankful that you are our son.

Click the link or picture to learn more about Dot the Diva.  I LOVE our little fish tank!

]]> http://notjustanotherjen.com/2011/02/wordless-wednesday-dot-the-diva/feed/ 0 http://notjustanotherjen.com/2011/02/hard-core-vs-soft-core-parenting/ http://notjustanotherjen.com/2011/02/hard-core-vs-soft-core-parenting/#comments Tue, 08 Feb 2011 05:21:05 +0000 NotJustAnotherJen http://notjustanotherjen.com/?p=1835 I’m interrupting this regularly scheduled book review for a scene out of a typical family household. I’m writing to admit my guilt, but also to hold tight on principles and I’m wondering where you stand. Tonight, like many nights at a dinner table with a two (almost three year old), BabyD just wasn’t into eating...]]> I’m interrupting this regularly scheduled book review for a scene out of a typical family household. I’m writing to admit my guilt, but also to hold tight on principles and I’m wondering where you stand.

This is not BabyD, but it is a toddler immitating him

Tonight, like many nights at a dinner table with a two (almost three year old), BabyD just wasn’t into eating and bedtime was quickly approaching. In fact it was seven minutes pass. And he insisted on being fed. Husband and I are working with him on being a big boy; he is about to turn three. So when BabyD insisted on someone feeding him, we cheerfully asked him, “Hey aren’t you about to be three? You’re not a baby anymore. Time to feed yourself.” He’s the second child, so trust me, he knows what he’s doing and I do sympathize that sometimes he wants to be babied and we certainly do indulge him from time to time (carrying him, thumb sucking, sleeping in diapers, etc.). However, whining at the dinner table is at the bottom of my list for family pastimes or favors.

Look, I realize that I’m a bit hard-core. I have a belief that as parents we need to be impeccable with our word*. I believe that as human beings with integrity we need to practice this at the utmost, but even more so as parents. I believe this is an integral step to children trusting us and listening. I am constantly practicing (as a parent and human being) saying what I mean and doing what I say. I think it’s vitally important as a parent to be consistent in word and deed. And it’s hard, but my attention is on it and sometimes I don’t do so good, but it’s a great learning area where I’m still developing my muscles. When I say, “we’re leaving in 10 minutes” I mean it and most the time, we’re pretty close (but not always).

Husband on the other hand is a softie. He is an EXCELLENT parent, way above my observations of most husbands and fathers. However, nothing reveals our chasm more than moments like tonight (bless his sweet heart).

When BabyD puts on the wails, “feed me!!!!” I put on the ultimatums, “You choose. Go to bed (because it’s past your bedtime) or eat your dinner. Sweetheart, you’re too old to be fed.” The wailing continues. Husband makes the move to pick him up and put him to bed. And please know that we have a long-agreed saying in our household when it comes to children, “we do not negotiate with terrorists.”

But what does Husband do? Reach for the fork! I think I shouted (a little too loudly), “Are you kidding me??? Do not feed the terrorist!!!”

Sometimes, I think I’m just a little too rigid, but it’s nights like tonight that I want to hold on tightly to our principles because BabyD knows who butters his bread (Daddy). I believe this will have implications later to come.

Am I crazy? Am I wrong here?

Husband and I had a brief aligning conversation after putting BabyD down without finishing his dinner, but I still have a moment of pause. Needing friends’ advice…

* A saying from The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom a must-read self help book.

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