Let me start by saying I love my neighbors.  Patty & Bruce are exactly the neighbors you would want when you move into a new neighborhood.  They are about 10 years our senior, their son went off to college a few years ago and they live a beautiful life.  Patty creates beauty in everything she touches – her garden (which I so thankfully look at often), her cooking (and baking and hosting) is phenomenal and her great community of wonderful women is inspiring.  When we moved here they threw a block party to introduce us to our other neighbors.  They are awesome, don’t cha think?

Well, I mentioned Patty’s community of friends.  I’ve met a number of her girlfriends through the years, at parties and in passing.  You can tell that they are a tight knit group of fun gals – some empty nesters, many with kids at home, all looking good and feeling great as they move gracefully through their late 40s and into their 50s.  Patty and many of her friends are even do-gooders dedicated to the Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure, raised a shit load of money last year and did the 60-mile walk. They put their money, heart and soul into a worthy cause together.  And they’ve done it before and they’ll surely do it again.  Anyway, I look up to these gals knowing that they are spending some of their best years of their life together.  Watching each others’ kids go through school, playing sports, celebrating holidays together, sometimes even sharing family vacations.  Being friends and families together through the years.

Yesterday, I heard that one of Patty & Bruce’s dearest friends passed away.  Mike McElroy, 53, father of 3, fit and a good man was walking up Paint Mountain with his wife Susan, like they do many times a week.  Got to the top, looked up at her with a half smile, sat down, laid down and turned blue.  He died.  Right there in front of her.  Patty was one of the first people Susan called.  Patty was there when the kids came home from school and Susan had to tell them that their dad won’t be coming back.

Yep.

Susan is the tall, pretty one of Patty’s friends.  She’s the kind of woman that you say, “Wow, I hope I look as good as she does when I turn 50.”  Together, Mike and Susan have three children – two boys, aged 13 and 11, and one girl, 8 years old.  My heart breaks for that family.  For how they are falling apart right now and realizing that their family will never be the same.  My heart is breaking for Susan that she has lost her partner and husband with whom she created a beautiful and picture perfect life.  My heart is breaking for those kids who have lost not only their father, but their hero and friend.

My heart goes out to Patty and Bruce because this will rock them and their community.  Mike was 53.  That’s so incredibly young to up and have a heart attack. And die.  Right there.  While hiking with his wife on a hike that they did all the time. That’s got to grab your collar of mortality and look you in the face (particularly for men of a certain age).  And Mike was healthy and fit.  He was active and ate well.  He was involved with his children, coached their sports teams, picked them up from school.  Now he’s not.  Just like that.  It doesn’t seem right.

Now The McElroy’s community and extended family are shaken, but holding steady.  Their arms are big and wide.  Holding them.  Feeding them.  Crying with them.

And it’s in these moments that I hold my babies just a little bit tighter.  Look my husband in the eyes and squeeze his hand.  And tell my friends that I love them. I am deeply thankful for my family, but I know that it’s friends that tell the story of our lives.  Friends will hold the McElroy’s through this time.  So thank you to my dear family of friends because it’s you who witness my life and the life of my family.  You are ones that will hold me through the happiest and most tragic times.  Thank you for being there.  You know who you are.

Cheers.

Added Sat., January 15———-

Patty sent this to me via email.  She has given permission to post it here.

I’ve heard from lots of parents that when you take your kids to the library, you don’t always find what you are looking for.  In fact, you don’t even know what you’re looking for and meanwhile, while you’re digging around in the children’s books, your little monkey has knocked some books off the shelf and is headed for a meltdown.  Let me help you with that…

Look, I still go to the big box book stores.  The boys and I usually stop at the “treat store” (aka Starbucks) and I meander around the new releases while the boys play with Thomas the Train in the kid’s section.  Sometimes, we pick up a book and I read out loud to them.  Sometimes I get talked into buying something and something catches my eye, so we stand in line and WHAT THE HELL just happened?  I spent $40 in less than a half an hour.

Or I see Oprah’s Kids Reading List, or the list of Newberry Award Winners, or the Caldecott Medal Winners.  Or I’m compelled to buy from my kindergartner’s monthly Scholastic catalog.  There are lists of the books my kids (or I) should be reading all over the place.  And I want all those books!  Even if I don’t have the time to read all of them!  I love books.  But I don’t have the $40 here and the $30 there to sustain that habit.  Four words I have for you…RESERVE AT THE LIBRARY.

When you see those Best Of lists, write them down or print them out.  When you’re at Barnes & Noble or that fancy little toy store that’s too expensive, but look at their fabulous books and think, “why don’t I find these at the library?”  WRITE IT DOWN.  I am a girl of 100 lists (thank you Jane).  I have post it notes and little lists everywhere.  And when I finally clean out my purse, I sit down in front of the computer and I put those lists to good use.

Look, most every library has gone digital.  You can find your local library online.  And most likely their catalog is tied into your county, your city and maybe even your state.  I’ve bookmarked my local library and taken the time to enter in my 20+ library code.  Now I don’t have to enter it in every time.  You know that little button that says, Remember Me?  Do it.  You don’t want to enter your long number every time.

Go to the catalog home.  Now search for the titles from your list.  Once I find the title, which rarely they do not have, there is (most likely) an option to REQUEST.  Our request then asks which branch you would like it delivered.  Et voila!  You can do the same with music and movies! And guess what, IT’S FREE!!!  No more Netflix or iTunes for me.  I burn it and return it (for music)!

Then the next time you go to the library, it will feel like Christmas when you see in the reserve stacks with your name all over books, movies and music.  My kids think I’m a hero.  I just know that I’m saving myself from a $40 compulsive buy and a kiddo meltdown browsing in the library.  If I decide that the book is a keeper then I’ll eventually get it.

I’ve made a library habit after I pick up BigBoy from half-day kindergarten on Fridays.  It’s our thing that we do together.  We still meander in the children’s books, but more likely the books that he wants to read (and the movies), I’ve already reserved and we’re there to pick them up.  He always gives me a big hug when I have reserved a Speed Racer or Pokemon cartoons for him.  We love it and it’s something that we do together.  While I may be saving lots of money, ease at the library and time with BigBoy is priceless.

Yes, this process may seem wack-a-doodle, but if you are a list maker, compulsive book buyer, or spend way too much at iTunes, I challenge you to give the library habit a shot.  It will likely take 15 minutes to set up your account online.  If you have problems, call your local library.  Typically librarians are very nice people and are willing to help.  Hell, if you’re local and you want me to set up your account on your computer, invite me over and pour me a glass of wine.  I promise you, you will be surprised by how much money you save and the gift of ease that you’ll be giving yourself.

Cheers friends!

As I go to his room to do our nighttime routine, I see that his books are still a messy pile on the floor and I had already asked him three times during the course of the day to clean it up.  “Grrrr….”  I told him that he was in trouble with me, but we cleaned it up together and I made him pinky-swear that he would clean them up the next time that I asked him to.  (When he gets sent to his room for being naughty sometimes he throws a temper tantrum and expresses his anger by knocking down books from a shelf, so it’s bound to happen again.  And we’re working on appropriate ways to express anger…I’m open to parenting tips here!)  He had never heard of a pinky-swear before and I told him in the olden days if the person that entered into the pinky swear broke their promise that their pinky would get cut off. (It’s true!  The internet says so.)  Husband swears that I’m going to permanently damage our kids with dark tales, but I think a healthy dose helps right the moral compass.

Between reading books, BigBoy put his hand on my leg and looked very seriously at me and said, “Mom if I break my promise are you going to cut off my pinky?  Are you a witch?”  I paused (for dramatic effect) and said very slowly, “I will not cut off your pinky, but I will be very upset if you break your promise.  As to if I’m a witch or not, I think you’ll need to get your answer from Daddy on that one.”  And then I gave a wicked quiet laugh which made him raise his eyebrows and I kissed him good night and sang his lullaby.  I laughed about that for the rest of the night.

Sure enough this morning, BigBoy says to Husband, “Mom’s not really a witch, is she Daddy?  She was only kidding me, right?”  I only cackled giggled and walked out of the kitchen.  They’ll learn the truth sooner or later and I don’t mind keeping the boys guessing.

Cue The Eagles “Witchy Woman” and pour me a glass of deep red wine.  Cheers friends!

Citrus Beef Stew

Adapted from The New Creative Crock Pot Cookbook by Robin Taylor Swatt (2001)

1 cup onion, finely chopped

1+ cup of carrots (use whatever you have – the baby carrots work well too.)

1 cup of celery, chopped

2+ tbsp tomato paste

1 cup nonfat beef stock

¼+ cup fresh Italian parsley, chopped

½ cup red wine (it’s a great excuse to open up a bottle and have a glass while you’re cooking!)

3 strips orange zest* (use the fat part of the zester tool and create 3-4” strips.  If you don’t have this favorite utensils, zest in your usual manner and make about 3+ tsp of zest.  Whatever works people, I’m eyeballing it here)

½ cup orange juice (duh moment:  use the juice from the orange you just zested)

1½ lbs beef chuck, cut into 1½ -inch cubes (often on sale! Get over it and cut it yourself to save $)

1 cup butternut squash, cut into 1 1/2 –inch cubes (spend your $ here and buy this pre-packaged so you don’t lose your thumb trying to cut a butternut squash…it’s not worth the time or hassle!)

1+ cup new potatoes, quartered (or red potatoes have worked too though cut them larger because they dissolve a bit more around the edges)

1+ cup fresh green beans, trimmed (who am I kidding, of course I’ve thrown in some of the frozen green beans from my freezer!)

1 tsp salt

½ tsp freshly ground black pepper

1 bay leaf

In a large skillet, sauté the onion, carrot and celery until tender.  Place in the crock pot slow cooker.  In a small bowl, whisk the remaining ingredients to the stoneware.  Cover.  Cook on Low 8-10 hours or High for 4-5 hours.  Makes 6 servings.

+ There are some things that I don’t measure and assume that a little bit more of this ingredient is not such a bad thing.

* I use a lot of fruit zests in recipes for flavoring, so for me this utensil is a must-have.  The fat part of the zester is essential because it makes those pretty twists for your drinks too.

And if that weren’t enough crock pot love, my other lover, Sunset Magazine, just published online their 10 Easy Slow-Cooker Dinners.  I’m going to try the Braised Pork with Lemon and Sage.  It sounds divine, doesn’t it?  Cheers friends!

I once read this book called Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth.  I was going through a major upheaval in my life when I read it.  You know the kind where everything is in question and up for review.  Well, this book made the most profound dent in my brain.  Everything in it just made perfect sense.  Basically the book evaluates why we lie and how much we lie.  The little white ones, the big scary ones, the ones we tell ourselves, the ones we tell friends and family, the ones we tell total strangers.  It’s stressful.  It will drive you crazy.  At that time in my life, I recognized that I too had that bad habit so I went about changing it.  One of the key principles (which you can read on the jacket) is that by not telling our friends, family, lovers, or bosses about what we do, feel, or think keeps us locked in the jail of our minds (the crazy making part).  The way out is to get good at telling the truth.  So that’s what I started doing.  And yes, it set me free.

I think that book along with a therapist that I went to for a few months, personal development workshops and a shit load of self help books, I think I got my head on pretty straight (for the most part) and got a lot of practice at figuring out my feelings and then saying what needed to be said in my relationships.  Relationships to me are paramount.  When we lose sight of those important ones (you reading this, Jesse James?) all shit hits the fan.  The greatest gift you can ever give someone is the gift of you over time.  That equals love.  Love of some kind or fashion.  Even if you hate the person and there’s some sort of f’d up dysfunction and they’re still in your life (like an alcoholic parent or toxic friend for example), there’s some sort of love there or else why would you keep them around, right?

About that really tumultuous time in my life I also decided I wanted real relationships.  I wanted real friends to know the real me and know that they would love me any way.  I’d love them in return for who they really are.  I didn’t want to be fake anymore.  I didn’t want to lie to get someone to like me.  I declared to live an authentic life and started looking for real people to be in my real life.  I got a bit of a do-over.  I know for some you this either sounds incredibly like a John Hughes movie or a new-age encounter weekend.  Whatever.  Hopefully you figured this shit out before you got out of high school.  But for me, it hit around age 25.  I guess age doesn’t really matter.  Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, got there whenever she got there.  The point is I hope you get there.  It’s a nice place to be.  Anyways…I digress….

So this honesty thing that I have going has me consistently risking intimacy.  If I don’t say what I see or am feeling, how do I know that you don’t feel the same way too?  What if we had that in common?  How would you ever understand me if I didn’t share?  How would I ever understand you if we don’t put ourselves out there, right?  Blogging is a huge forum onto which we get to better know ourselves (through writing) and others.  I love it.  I so totally feel a community here (thank you MamaKat, JerseyGirl, Scary Mommy, JennyMac, Jen @ Playgroups are No Place for Children, and The (Un)Experienced Mom, to name a few…damn, I do need to do a blog roll, don’t I?)

And sometimes I get that look in my eye and Lola (my BF) asks me, “What did you do now?”  Wait for it…yes, Honestly Jen! (please proceed with sigh and eye roll)  Sometimes I say things that I second guess or wish I could keep my mouth shut, but just can’t.  Like talking about my married sex life on my blog or that one time I was hanging with a new family member and I blurted out asked this stunning woman what is it like being a beauty with lots of freckles.  (It’s not often you run into that combination just like there are very few attractive gingers – men with red hair, unless you’re in Halifax, Nova Scotia where they apparently thrive!)  Yes, I am the friend that will tell you that your butt looks fat in those pants if it really looks fat (hopefully, you solicited my opinion because, girl, if I’m telling you without the solicitation then your butt really looks fat and we’re really good friends!).  I know…Honestly Jen!

Here’s the kicker.  The payoff is pretty darn good!  I’ve had more fun, laughter and deeper relationships because I was willing to risk putting myself out there and just saying it.  Yeah, I’ve made a few mistakes, cringed a good number of times, but more often than not I’ve made friends, someone smile, and opened doors for greater understanding of each other.  I know when I make a mess, I need to clean it up.  I take responsibility for my Big Mouth (cue The Smiths).  And I’ve had to do that (particularly with Husband last week) a good number of times and I’ve lost a few precious people along the way.  But I’m learning to wield my word as my weapon and to do it wisely.  Seek your truth and speak it, young Jedi.  Take a look around to your traveling companions on this road called life.  Do they KNOW you?  Can you speak honestly to them and them to you?  REALLY?  Time’s a wasting.  Get busy making changes and tell those that you want to keep how much you love them and what they mean to you.  Risk yourself.  You have much more love and laughter to gain.

Remember our old friend Billy Joel?  He said it well and I’ll close with those lyrics, but with a footnote.  I don’t find ‘Honesty’ a lonely word.  In fact, it’s brought us closer together.  Cheers to living honestly.

If you search for tenderness
It isn’t hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I have a number of single mom girlfriends and a part of me cringes when I hear about their active sex lives.  Maybe it is just flat out jealousy.  I used to have an active, fun sex life that I was proud of.  In my single life, way back when, I loved sex.  Carrie, Samantha and Miranda (not so much Charlotte) were my heroes.  Cliché as that may be, I was single and having lots of sex in my city of San Francisco.  It was a great life during the rise (and eventual fall) of the dot coms.  San Francisco was having a bit of a hey day and I was drinking it up.  It was not uncommon for me to be dating 3+ guys and throw in a sexy one night stand every once in a while.  My roommate and GBF encouraged my sexual explorations and freedom.  Ah, those were the days when I was kicking up my heels and had my feet in the air!

I eventually was blown away by the man that was to be Husband and I knew that I couldn’t let him go.  I will admit, however, I didn’t marry him for our sexual chemistry.  I married him for his heart, strength of character, and his stability to counter balance my craziness.  I LOVE that man of mine.

Two boys later and being a SAHM, no, I don’t have sex on my mind during the day.  Most the time when we do have sex, quite frankly, I just want to get it over with (pathetic, I know, but true).  I’m tired, bored and I just don’t have the drive or desire that I once did.  I’ve lost my horn dog.  I know that men feel love from our physicality.  I want Husband to feel my love, but I’m not giving it to him that way that he wants or deserves.  So I’ve been doing some investigating with my married friends on how married people do it.  Yes, pun intended.  I’m not talking about positions.  I’m talking about logistics and frequency.

I had a rare and delightful opportunity to have this discussion with two of my guy friends over dinner and drinks while one was in town for a sales meeting.  The one thing I’ve always loved about these guys is that we have a great mutual respect for each other and we all speak very frankly with each other.  There’s no pretense or bullshit between us.  Those kinds of friends are priceless in my book.  One of these guys, I’ll refer to as Dr. Razor.  He’s not a doctor, but I like the formula that he and his wife, Andrea (name changed to protect the innocent), subscribe to.  Dr. Razor is an active dad of two kids about the same age as mine and has been married about the same length of time.  He works and Andrea is a SAHM.  I was shocked and impressed when Dr. Razor said they have sex twice a week!  I loved their formula so I thought I would share.

Thursday night is their intimate week night.  I love that Dr. Razor calls Andrea during the day just to check in.  He said it was important to let her know that he is thinking about her and their special night together.  I think it’s sweet that he just calls to check in.  Being a SAHM, it’s nice to hear from your partner, especially when you’re having one of those days.  After work, they enjoy dinner at home with the family and then he offers to put the kids to bed. (I thought this would be the hardest part to sell to Husband.)  Andrea gets to have some quiet time to herself (my favorite part!) and unwind.  Then after the kids are in bed, they share a drink together and sit and talk for a while.  Eventually, they go to bed and do the deed.  It’s so sweet and appears that everyone gets what they need – a drink, communication, intimacy and sex.  I love that combination!

So I shared this formula with Husband and he was very receptive because at this point I think he would try anything to get laid (and he’s also very sweet and caring too. I don’t want to leave that out).  We’re two for three (in the last few weeks), which isn’t bad for us.  What really works for me is the opportunity to unwind while Husband puts the kids to bed.  I’ve been with them all day and would like a little quiet mind space.  I hid upstairs in our room, did a face masque and read for an hour. What a treat!  I was completely receptive and anxiously awaiting by the time he joined me.  The week that the formula didn’t work was because I totally wasn’t thinking about sex, I ended up putting Baby to bed and I felt that Husband was trying to pick a fight during an earlier conversation.  It just wasn’t happening.  We ended up talking and cuddling which was lame nice and I probably should have given it up, but emotionally I wasn’t there.

Has it come to this?  That we have to schedule sex? Yes.  But if I can get this much attention, care and intimacy, I’m all for it.  Husband’s happy because we’re working toward one time a week. I’m all for doing it twice a week.  I believe that sex and intimacy begets more sex and intimacy.  I’m reminded how much I miss it, want it and need it with my loving Husband.  Lola thinks we should learn to walk before we run.  However, I’m curious how we’re going to fit the second time in during our busy weekends.  Morning cartoons for the kids and locking our door I’ve heard is the way to go.  Cheers to figuring it out and getting my horn dog back (eventually).

Please tell me I’m not the only one that has the lame ass goal of getting to sex once a week! I’d love to hear where you’re at with it.

Honestly, I do it so I’ll clean my house.  And I ask people on the evite not to judge me if they find cheerios in the carpet, because they probably will.  I’m only surface cleaning and those little suckers get really stuck in there!  So I do the best cleaning job I can do in three hours (and let me tell you, my house really can really use it!).

I also have come to accept that I love entertaining.  And quite frankly, if I didn’t have HHH, I probably wouldn’t see these awesome women as much.  And I need them!  The women that show up for these, well some are close friends, some are friends that I wish I were closer to, and others are women that I just met.  I figure us Moms have got to stick together.  We need laughter, support, and group of gals that just get it.  So if I can create an environment where that happens (and it does) then I’m all smiles.  I love doing the hostess thing, making sure that everyone has a full glass and something to eat.  I love introducing people to each other and watch the afternoon unfold.

Typically about two glasses in, I stop and listen to the mania.  I laugh.  The kids are playing , the moms are having a good time.  All is well.  Am I always full of grace and ease at these things?  Hell No.  But I always see HHH as an opportunity to practice that.  Some kids drive me crazy, some kids are too loud, and some kids break things.  And sometimes there are even Mommies that are a little awkward too.  I feel like I’m inside my own personal, social randori and my job is to relax, keep my sense of humor, and make sure the afternoon is flowing well.  That’s fun for me and it’s also a great learning experience too.  Cause yes, sometimes I want to freak out on the kid who is jumping on my coffee table.

The thing that I most appreciate is the women that show up.  It’s always the right group and it’s never the exact same people either.  Most people are at ease here.  It’s okay to come late, it’s okay to bring a friend, it’s okay to bring some food and more wine and it’s also okay if you don’t.  When we’re here we look out for each other’s kids and give hugs when someone stumbles.  We offer advice, support, alternative thinking, and love to each other when needed.  Hanging out at HHH, I feel like there is a Sisterhood or a Motherhood that just feels good.  I hope that’s a feeling that everyone gets when they come.  And they too can relax in the mania.  Because isn’t that a large part of what Motherhood is?

Cheers friends and let me know when you’re in my hood.  I’d love to fill your glass.

P.S.  A big shout out to Anne Taintor who always makes me laugh.  I’m a big fan!