My brother referred us to Jim Glanz, our Tax Man, when we moved to Southern California four years ago. Jim’s offices are in La Mesa, which is a bit of a drive for us, but he is so worth it. Jim is personable and no nonsense. For him it’s all just numbers telling a story and he knows how to make you the hero. Sometimes it’s a bitter pill that you have to swallow, but even heroes have to learn their lessons. Jim is like a tax sage that gives you great advice for how to make improvements for your future.

Kirk #1 (my brother from another mother) sought out Jim’s wisdom after being an H&R Block customer in Arizona. Kirk walked away with $5200 in combined state & federal refunds when he thought that he would owe this year. “Jim was able to point out things that I hadn’t taken into account. It was beyond what was obvious,” he said as he poured me a glass of champagne. (not really, but when his refund checks come in, he better! That referral paid off!)

Jim simply understands the nuances and intricacies of tax law. He knows the backwards and forwards, ups and downs, on how to make sure that you pay Uncle Sam, but at the same time, not pay more than is required. So while we did owe a bit this year, I left with a great sense of peace and security that we’re doing the right thing in managing our liabilities.

Brilliantly (said with a bit of sarcasm), Husband had set up a second appointment with our Financial Planners right after meeting with Jim. Todd Financial and Insurance Services have been a godsend. I met Darren Todd when I worked for a digital marketing company setting up their health plans, 401Ks and the like. Darren is a family man and small business owner with his heart in the right place and really big brains. He is good people, has integrity and knows his stuff. He did such a great job assisting me in my HR roles, that I easily trust him with our family insurance and financial needs.

With Husband’s recent change of jobs, we immediately contacted the beautiful and brilliantly competent April, who manages Todd Financial’s operations. She worked with us on finding the right health plan and deciding which would be best for our family, the offered work plan or one that she helped us secure. April is extremely well-informed and knowledgeable, and takes great care of their customers. Just for the record, in addition to health insurance they also manage all the other potential insurances that a family, individual or small business many need (life, home etc .)

Darren Todd and Paul Lim manage the financial planning side of the house. They are helping us consolidate our various retirement accounts that we’ve accumulated throughout our different careers and making sure that we’re preparing ourselves well for the long-term (kids in college, retirement, etc.). Typically, I can’t have these conversations with my husband without a glass of wine in my hand, but I’ve made it through a couple of meetings with Darren and Paul without uncorking, so things are looking up.

While we’re not currently swimming in the dough, we have a do-able plan resolving some of our concerns and building toward our future. Darren has even helped mediate a long-standing financial debate between Hubs and I. (Thank you Darren!) Can I get an Amen and a clink of a glass?

Here’s simply what I want to say on this Thankful Thursday. I used to get freaked out about money (and the lack thereof) and what to do about it, create more drama and lose my mind in the process. I think a lot of people do this and it doesn’t have to be so dramatic or hard. So, as strange as this may seem to some of you, I’ve done a lot of internal work to get rid of the bad money mojo (thanks to WONDERFULLY wise and spiritually gifted women like Rita Hovakimian and Victoria Castle) and now I feel like a grown up, which is about time since I’m turning 40. I have a Tax Man and Financial Planners that work with us. I feel secure, smart and well cared for working with both teams. Thank you Glanz Professional Services and Todd Financial & Insurance Services teams, you make taking care of business (in the financial sense) not drive me to drink. I love your professionalism, service and care.

If you’re local and want the kind of quality service and care that I receive, please by all means, give them a call and let them know that I referred you. And no, I didn’t get paid for this post, but I would accept a bottle (or two) of champagne.

Glanz Professional Services
Jim Glanz
8383 Center Drive, Suite H
La Mesa, CA
619.697.4649

Todd Financial & Insurance Services
3131 Camino del Rio, Suite 1250
San Diego, CA
858.863.4010

Ali (@PickleSugarPlum), @SugarJones (who I LOVE) & moi

I went to Bloggy Boot Camp San Diego this last weekend and I’ll start by saying it was AWESOME. It was super duper worth the money, the connections made are incredible and the three bags of swag alone was worth the price of admission. So if you’re a blogger and it’s coming to a city near you or you’re looking for a getaway with purpose, GO. Bloggy Boot Camp has my full recommendation. No doubt about it. Tiffany Romero, Francessca Banducci and the SITS Girls absolutely create an event that is intimate, inclusive and inspiring. Awesome job girls! Well done!

Overall I am satisfied with my blog. It’s a place to put my thoughts and a space for my voice in the interwebby world. My blog has been my self therapy. It is good writing practice and I enjoy the process. There are LOTS of ideas that I have for my blog, but with life such that it is, I cannot and do not dedicate the time or heart that I would love for my blog to be. I need to make money and working takes a lot of my time.  Now, If my blog was making money then I could justify more time on it.  I’m interested in having my husband get excited about my blogging and that will take cold hard cash or really cool trade for services.  So, I’ve been in need of direction and guidance.  From all my looking and searching most blog income is passive, very passive. I haven’t heard of anyone being able to slap up some ad networks or link to Amazon or other affiliates and make anything more than what I likely spend at Starbucks each month. But there’s got to be a way…

Well, Bloggy Boot Camp addressed that. Let me say that not everyone that goes to BBC is interested in making money or delving deeply into social media. Let me explain how BBC is brilliantly set up. First of all, it’s all about networking. You’re in a room with 150 other women that do the same thing (blog) and we’re all nervous. So get over yourself and realize that you rock (thank you SD Momfia for your great words of encouragement. I took them to heart). At this conference your seats are assigned differently for each speaker in order to encourage you to meet other bloggers rather than analyze other girls outfits with your BFF. But I can tell you there were some great shoes and for the love of goddesses, Dead Cow Girl’s vintage jacket was hot! But think of it more like ongoing compliment city than competition crazy. It’s inclusive and uplifting. We’re all in this together, remember.

There was a warm, quick, funny welcome (Tiffany IS pretty), a disclosure that this is all opinion and people’s experience (not the gospel) and then there were four amazing speakers (check them out: Ashley Stock of Little Miss Momma, Anna Viele of ABDPBT, my local favorite Mary Burt-Godwin of Mama Mary Show and Denae Handy of The Backordered Life) who brought their own humor, style, story and lessons to the group. GOOD STUFF…all of them.

Then there was lunch, which was pretty good and we got pitched by a sponsor, Smart & Final, where I eventually told the marketing agent that I don’t like S&F’s junky stores and products (she asked for the truth!) because I’m more organically inclined and then she informed me that Henry’s and Sprouts are owned by S&F’s parent company. Who knew??? I promptly gave her my card with “will write for organic food” on the back. Yeah, that’s how I roll…I’m telling you that there is a way to make a living blogging. I’m looking for those opportunities!

Ok…the back half was divided into those interested about the art and skill of writing (with MamaKat!) and those that wanted to talk about the business of blogging (with AWESOME women like stamped jewelry queen Lisa Leonard; Amy Bradley Hole of Be Better Branding and southern goddess; and contract lawyer Danielle Liss who kept staring at my eyebrows). Guess which talk I went to?  Truthfully, I can write (certainly needs improvement, but if you know me, you know this is really how I talk). All day. I have a lot to say. Just give me some wine and away we go. Try to stop me (well, I do need to sleep…and work…and those darn kids…oh yeah, my darling husband…FOOD, wine, my friends…sorry, got distracted…)

Me & the Easter Bunny from Hop (another Sponsor), Theresa (@RockOnMommies), Beth (@HipMamB), Chelsey (@somedayilllearn), Christine (@MommyLuvsCoffee), Candice (@FashOrganized) & Mary (@MamaMaryShow)

Then we were pitched educated for 15 minutes about Invisalign (gotta say, pretty cool if you or your kids need that), had a coffee break (supplied by S&F) and then we got the 411 on Media Kits and ways to get sponsors and promotions with the SITS Girls advice. After that, we moved along to a beautiful room overlooking the Bahia Belle and a marina sampling wine from another sponsor, Mirassou, which I have to say should send some bottles to my next HHH. I’ll take a case of the Pinot Grigio & Pinot Noir, thankyouverymuch. My mamas need to know about this brand because there is too many to choose from at the grocery store, why shouldn’t it be Mirassou? Right? Right.

So all that being said, there were excellent tips, great insight and I walked away with so many great ideas and things that I need to do. I wish that I could do a Samantha and wiggle my nose and make them all work tonight. Alas, I wasn’t given those powers. I just know what my Grammy told me, “inch by inch is a cinch and yard by yard is hard.” However, I see a great opportunity ahead to make money, do what I love as a WAHM, and a wonderful network of women to support me in my journey. For that, I am deeply grateful to all those that contributed to my excellent experience at Bloggy Boot Camp. Thank you Tiffany, Francesca, Mama Kat and all the speakers and women who have put my brain in a whirlwind and lifted my spirits. I have been inspired and overwhelmed. Thank you and bless you for your good work.

To you I raise my glass…CHEERS!

Happy Thankful Thursday! If you have something to give thanks for, feel free to comment below and/or let me know about your Bloggy Boot Camp San Diego (or other location) experience. Feel free to borrow my button and link up if you believe in Thankful Thursday.

Roasted Pork Tenderloin with Dried Cranberry Sauce

(link goes to original recipe on MyRecipes.com)

Pork:

1 tsp dried sage

1 tsp dried thyme

¾ tsp salt

½ tsp ground black pepper

1 1-pound pork tenderloin, trimmed

Cooking spray

Super easy sauce (and you probably already have all the ingredients on hand):

1 cup fat-free chicken broth

1 cup dried cranberries

¾ cup cranberry juice cocktail

1 Tbsp grape jelly

1.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

2. To prepare pork, combine first 4 ingredients in small ramekin.  Sprinkle and rub evenly over pork.

3. Heat a large ovenproof nonstick skillet over medium-high heat.  Coat pan with cooking spray.  Add pork and cook 4 minutes on each side or until browned.  Place pan in oven and cook for 12 minutes or until a meat thermometer registers 160 degrees (slightly pink).  Place pork on a cutting board and keep warm.

4. While the pork is in the oven combine broth, dried cranberries and juice in a mixing bowl.  Once the pork has been transferred to cutting board, add cranberries and liquid to pan and bring to a boil, scraping pan to loosen browned bits.  Stir in jelly, cooking 8 minutes or until mixture is slightly thick, stirring occasionally.

5. Cut pork into (1/2 inch) slices.  Serve with sauce.

I’ve heard from lots of parents that when you take your kids to the library, you don’t always find what you are looking for.  In fact, you don’t even know what you’re looking for and meanwhile, while you’re digging around in the children’s books, your little monkey has knocked some books off the shelf and is headed for a meltdown.  Let me help you with that…

Look, I still go to the big box book stores.  The boys and I usually stop at the “treat store” (aka Starbucks) and I meander around the new releases while the boys play with Thomas the Train in the kid’s section.  Sometimes, we pick up a book and I read out loud to them.  Sometimes I get talked into buying something and something catches my eye, so we stand in line and WHAT THE HELL just happened?  I spent $40 in less than a half an hour.

Or I see Oprah’s Kids Reading List, or the list of Newberry Award Winners, or the Caldecott Medal Winners.  Or I’m compelled to buy from my kindergartner’s monthly Scholastic catalog.  There are lists of the books my kids (or I) should be reading all over the place.  And I want all those books!  Even if I don’t have the time to read all of them!  I love books.  But I don’t have the $40 here and the $30 there to sustain that habit.  Four words I have for you…RESERVE AT THE LIBRARY.

When you see those Best Of lists, write them down or print them out.  When you’re at Barnes & Noble or that fancy little toy store that’s too expensive, but look at their fabulous books and think, “why don’t I find these at the library?”  WRITE IT DOWN.  I am a girl of 100 lists (thank you Jane).  I have post it notes and little lists everywhere.  And when I finally clean out my purse, I sit down in front of the computer and I put those lists to good use.

Look, most every library has gone digital.  You can find your local library online.  And most likely their catalog is tied into your county, your city and maybe even your state.  I’ve bookmarked my local library and taken the time to enter in my 20+ library code.  Now I don’t have to enter it in every time.  You know that little button that says, Remember Me?  Do it.  You don’t want to enter your long number every time.

Go to the catalog home.  Now search for the titles from your list.  Once I find the title, which rarely they do not have, there is (most likely) an option to REQUEST.  Our request then asks which branch you would like it delivered.  Et voila!  You can do the same with music and movies! And guess what, IT’S FREE!!!  No more Netflix or iTunes for me.  I burn it and return it (for music)!

Then the next time you go to the library, it will feel like Christmas when you see in the reserve stacks with your name all over books, movies and music.  My kids think I’m a hero.  I just know that I’m saving myself from a $40 compulsive buy and a kiddo meltdown browsing in the library.  If I decide that the book is a keeper then I’ll eventually get it.

I’ve made a library habit after I pick up BigBoy from half-day kindergarten on Fridays.  It’s our thing that we do together.  We still meander in the children’s books, but more likely the books that he wants to read (and the movies), I’ve already reserved and we’re there to pick them up.  He always gives me a big hug when I have reserved a Speed Racer or Pokemon cartoons for him.  We love it and it’s something that we do together.  While I may be saving lots of money, ease at the library and time with BigBoy is priceless.

Yes, this process may seem wack-a-doodle, but if you are a list maker, compulsive book buyer, or spend way too much at iTunes, I challenge you to give the library habit a shot.  It will likely take 15 minutes to set up your account online.  If you have problems, call your local library.  Typically librarians are very nice people and are willing to help.  Hell, if you’re local and you want me to set up your account on your computer, invite me over and pour me a glass of wine.  I promise you, you will be surprised by how much money you save and the gift of ease that you’ll be giving yourself.

Cheers friends!

Encinitas Library

I know how to work the system.  Want music or movies for free?  Well, have I got a deal for you.  It’s rather old fashioned, actually.  It’s called a library.  Remember those?  Outside of reading circle for babies and toddlers, there’s so much more to get than just books.

I love music.  Back when we lived in San Francisco, my favorite Sundays were when I could take off for a few hours and hunt for cds in Rasputin’s or Amoeba Records.  These are HUGEMONGUS music stores, with multiple floors of new and used music and video.  The best part is that you could return the used music you’d bought for 75 cents on the dollar.  That was awesome for me because $100 at that rate could last a good number of buy, burn and return visits.  I was disappointed when I moved to SoCal and there wasn’t a nearby equivalent.  Not even close.  Locally, Lou’s Records is a ghastly-paled comparison.

When Husband and I were on major cutback mode (still are), MIL suggested that I try the library for movies (instead of Netflix), music (instead of lame-o Lou’s), and books (well, I had found a good used book store here, but the library is free).  Have you looked lately on how much you spend on movie rentals, books and music?  You may be surprised.  I know I was. Now I have a SUPER SYSTEM that keeps our costs way down, videos stacked up, tons of books read (mostly for the kids) and plenty of fresh music in my ipod.  All it takes is my computer (which I’m on all the time anyway) and some planning.

Remember last month when I had a mini mommy-freak-out about the boys learning how to swim?  Swim lessons have been a lot better and no more tears.  Go figure, they even think it’s kinda fun.  Well, I made my own “Swimming Is Fun” campaign and I used the library to help.  I did a search online on my county library’s website.  I found 10 kids books about swimming and fun in the water for positive reinforcement.  I read them a few each night along with showing them pictures of kids their age swimming in pools and at the beach.  I think it really helped.

Here’s the super system: Use the online library to reserve/request the books, music and all movies that you want.  Then when you run your errands (Fridays for me when the kids are in day care, so I don’t have to deal with books being knocked off the shelf or temper tantrums), I just go to the hold stacks, pick up my requests and check it all out.  It’s kinda fun going to the stacks and seeing lots of stuff with your name on it!  Now this is a part of my regular Friday routine. Through the library’s online system, I can see what is due and what’s available to pick up to keep track of everything.  I know that every Friday I drop off due music, movies and books in the return box and pick up at the reserve stacks. When I request/reserve from the online system, they pull from over 30 libraries around the county (because it’s not all available at our little library) and while I may not be able to get everything immediately, I know my Friday is full of good surprises.

Every time I listen to Pandora or the radio, there are always new songs I love and bands I’d like to know better.  Our library has everything from Vampire Weekend to Elvis Presley.  Want to strengthen your Blues knowledge? Do a search and reserve through the library.  Check them out and burn to your heart’s content.  IT’S FREE MUSIC!  No more $.99 with iTunes.  Get your cds from the library.  They haven’t had everything I’ve requested, but I’ve been very impressed.  The library even takes requests.

Our county library even has latest releases on movies!  I just saw Crazy Heart and An Education.  I had to wait 2-3 weeks from the time that I requested, but there are always lots of other movies to see.  Before I cancelled my Netflix account I printed out my queue and entered the selected movies in to the library request system 10 at a time.  Any kids’ movies you want to see that you haven’t in a long time?  Tired of your regular rotation?  Use the library to freshen it up.  There are great programs on DVDs from Discovery Kids and Popular Mechanics for Kids (they have a series about how things work, which was really interesting).  Oh have I mentioned?  Renting movies from the library is free!  Even better, I have week to watch.

Here’s the catch: knowledge is power and will save you in fees.  Know how many days you can check out books, movies and music.  For our library, we have 7 days for music and videos; books are 21 days.  Late fees can catch you by surprise unless you stay organized and well informed.  Movies are $1.00 per day when they are late.  Books are only a quarter, so I don’t freak out over that, but when you have 3 movies late for 3 days, yep, you can do the math.  Doing that every week becomes costly.  So don’t do it.  Find a way to make the weekly library visit a part of your routine.  If you haven’t watched the movies you rented then see if you can re-check them out online or return it.  You can always get it again later. (I’m saying this to you and to me again for the 100^th time.)

Working my library super system has been great for saving money and keeping the kids well stocked with new books.  I also have continued my music addiction and I’m up to date on the new movie rental releases, because you know Husband & I don’t go out on dates often enough.

I’d love to hear how you use your library outside of reading time with the kiddos.  And be sure to check out the summer reading programs.  There are lots of kiddy swag and fun family programs to be had.  Go old school, check out your local library.  Cheers friends!

Here are my reasons #123 & #124 (because I’m sure that after 9 years together I already have up to #122 and I want Husband to get a little interwebby love) for why I love my husband.

Like many Americans we have been scaled back to a one income household and have had to do the money shuffle.  My student loan has laid dormant in deferment, we’ve had to scale way back and live more frugally, we figured out our credit card scenario very quickly and the biggest change was that we were going to stop having two kids in daycare/preschool and I was to become a SAHM (the biggest savings!).  I wrote about my earlier SAHM adjustment (or lack thereof) here, here and here.  Making all these changes haven’t been a joy ride, but it’s been a good learning lesson.

In our ongoing attempt to keep the belt tight, Husband did all the homework and majority of the paperwork for a mortgage loan modification through a government program called Making Home Affordable.  It was a big effort to jump through all the hoops and information to provide.  However, we did it and last month we were approved.  We’ve heard how incredibly lucky we are.  I’m so thankful that our mortgage has been cut to almost half.  Yippeee!

A week after the initial shock set in, Husband suggested that we get our once-a-month housecleaner back.  (#123)  The thought did cross my mind to take his suggestion as an insult, but after further reflection I met it with sheer relief.  What a tremendous help to have someone else clean the house all in one day!  I’m beyond delighted!  Clearly that doesn’t mean that I stop cleaning all together because isn’t the life of the SAHM all about routine and maintenance?  I’m just tickled to death that this was Husband’s idea and not my own.  Yeah Husband!

Poor dear stayed home from work today part for a mental health day and part because he was really sick.  Whatever.  He deserves it (a mental health day not the sore throat).  He works hard for us.  Anyways, it’s Monday and I’m doing my 5+ loads today.  Our washer ups and breaks.  Oh shit.  We’ve had some poor experience with Sears service calls so my handy Husband (#16) starts disassembling our front load washer.  If you’ve ever seen it done then you know it isn’t easy.  So many parts!  After 3 hours and some of my sheer brute strength and intellect help he fixed not one, but two things with it!  (#124)  Dammit and I was hoping to get out of doing any more laundry today.

I love that man of man.  Cheers Husband!

[done to a dorky dance...] You’re so awesome. You’re so awesome. You’re so awesome!

In a strange way I’d love to live in the mess for a week longer.  You know New Year’s is this weekend.  That could me my excuse.  But I know myself and this mess is gonna have to get cleaned up.  I just want to relish that holiday feeling a bit longer.  I love the magic of the season.  I love seeing the kids get so excited and screaming with delight.  Playing with cousins.  The adults playing cards with each other.  Setting aside our differences so that we can enjoy one another a bit more.  These are precious times.  So precious.  I should have taken more pictures.

But now I’m left with literally a mountain of trash, wrappings, boxes and bows to go through (what to keep, what to throw away).  And to fold two weeks of laundry that didn’t get done in all the mayhem and mania of the holiday season.  All these great toys need to find a place to fit in and be put away.  There are numerous toys that broke during the first round of playtime and things that didn’t fit that need to be returned.  I need to face the harsh reality of the money that we spent.

So yes, I feel like I’m coming off the high and waking up with a bit of a head ache.  I want to embrace the day with hope and happiness, but a touch of melancholy, the sober thoughtfulness that it is.  I’ll be thinking of what this New Year will bring–the shape, color and intentions that I’ll be holding.  I don’t typically go with resolutions, because I forget about them after 3 months anyway.  So I try to think longer term.  2010 is just another mile in my marathon of a life, after all.  I’ll be looking forward, but first I have to see what is right in front of me, the arduous task of cleaning up after the party.

Cheers friends!  This is not my favorite thing to do, but it must be done.  Save the champagne for me when it’s all over.

Here’s what I learned.  I need more quiet time.  Plain and simple.

I realize that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) means that you’re home a lot.  Sure you might leave the house during the week to run errands, go to the park, or to the library.  But when do you really have a day off?  NEVER.  You come home to “your work.”  Ok, I realize that some women may be offended by relating my kids and home to work.  But I take my job seriously (and not so seriously too!  We have lots of fun and laughs).  Nonetheless, for me, being a SAHM is WORK.  I’ve been having a hard time legitimizing that!

My husband gets to GO to work then come home.  My home (and family) is my work.  I live in my work place.  I think I’ve been feeling the effects of what it must be like to work to live.  Work is never done.  I have felt overwhelmed and equally underwhelmed of late.  I’ve lost a sense of myself (probably at the bottom of the toy box) and I’ve dug my head under books and Bejeweled Blitz (damn that game!) to hide out and wallow.  I feel like I’ve been dazed and confused.

I used to work (out of the home) and it cost me.  It cost my sense of humor; perspective of my family and finances; and particularly my relationship with BigBoy (we like each other so much more now).  I always felt like I was just barely dog paddling enough to keep my head out of the water.  For those working moms who are keeping it together, I applaud you.  It’s fast paced dance, so good for you if you can keep up with the rhythm with some sort of grace and joy.

So enough complaining.  Lola helped to lift the fog.  I see that if I spent some more time engaged in the activities that I know take care of me, I’ll be happier, healthier, and have my head on straight.  Enough of the hitting myself on the head for not getting everything done.  I’m not gonna get it all done.  I know that.  I will find more joy and ease in my life (not to mention a sense of accomplishment in my day) if I do my meditations (5 minutes helps), morning yoga (5 sun salutations), and journaling (blogging helps too!).  I learned some great techniques for staying on the positive side of life from another great friend and teacher, Rita Hovakimian, that I know work!  So I’ve pulled out my old notebook from her class and started reading and writing.  Yeah!

I’ve always been a big supporter of afternoon quiet time (for all of us).  BigBoy doesn’t have to sleep, but play quietly in his room and Baby goes down for his nap.  Recently, I’ve not been rigorous about the amount of time, but I’m reinstating the 1-1/2 hour afternoon minimum (but I’d like to shoot for 2 hours!).  This is when I get to do what I want, not laundry or dishes (out of obligation), but uninterrupted time to lunch, relax, write, and read (moderately).  And yes, I’m blessed because I have kids that can stay (relatively) quietly in their own rooms.  The truth of the matter is that I need my down time.  It helps me listen to the unending story of garbage trucks just a little bit longer in the evening.  It helps me not want to yell at my husband when he walks in the door.  It helps me complain less and love this life a little more.  Because I really do cherish this time.

I also have Annie Witzmann to thank for taking care of my boys on Fridays.  I call them Sanity Fridays.  I get to do my own stuff without the boys.  It’s like a weekend (pre-kids) crammed into 8-hours.  Sometimes I pay the bills (I’ve learned that uninterrupted time means that they go on time with the right amounts!) and clean house, but other times I go to the movies (saw Whip It and loved it!) or walk on the beach.  So thank you god for having me hear this message.  Got it.  Shhh!  It’s quiet time.  Cheers and THANK YOU friends!

Where am I these days? Am I lost? No. Well maybe a little bit. I’m working on finding my way through a storm.

Am I okay? Yes, but weary. I need to find my peaceful waters. I am close. I can feel it.

So, how do I get there? Writing. I can feel my way through. It always helps to write what’s working first. There are undeniable, beautiful things in my life right now. So I’ll start there.

Holy cow (as Drew is fond of saying right now)…Encinitas is simply beautiful! I thank god often for being able to enjoy my life here. The ocean, blue skies, palm trees (f’ing palm trees – sometimes I want to gag, sometimes I want to giggle) and the completely sublime weather. (I swear if I had a dollar for every person that complains about the weather here! There are so many complainers and I COMPLETELY do not understand what there is to gripe about!) It’s summertime and it couldn’t be more spectacular weather. Hell, I’m taking the boys and going to the beach today for a few hours. Not bad, eh?

Those boys – I was laid off in January and the blessing is that I’ve gotten to discover who these gorgeous little blondie boys are. I have two: BigBoy is 4 ½ and BabyD is 1 ½ . To me they are simply stunning and often they take my breath away with their smiles. It’s funny that I once couldn’t even think of myself as a mom and here I am blown over by two half pints. The boys are the best gift I’ve ever received – and wow, they are a gift that keeps on giving.

My husband – I’ve got a good’en (as Grammy would say). And I should be WAY MORE generous with him than I am (god help me). Husband is reliable, trustworthy, tall and charming, can carry on a conversation and is witty, he’s handsome and sweet-hearted, handy and a super-duper Daddy. He’s also a thick-headed guy sometimes who needs to slow down and listen and think more with his heart. But isn’t that most men? He’s my husband, we’re so married and we’re going the distance because I love him madly. And yes, I am challenged. It’s what I asked for I suppose. (cue Aimee Mann “You’ve got, what you want. You can’t hardly stand it.”)

These are the things I know to be TRUE. You should also know that I am a woman of faith. Not like in god with a capital G (tho I’m not opposed to using that word because it’s how most of us label our belief, but I’ll use a small g, thankyouverymuch). Maybe it’s more that I believe in Magic, but not like the capital W (tho I don’t rule that out either). It’s more that I believe in the beautiful, simple, small miracles. I believe that the world works, good triumphs over evil, words and thoughts can shape and shift reality in a blink of an eye. It’s a tingly feeling that makes things happen. It’s like all the good of Disneyland when you’re a kid and letting go of my adult cynicism of marketing, money and mouse ears. As my friend Victoria would say, it’s getting in the flow.

So what’s my problem? Like many of us – financial strain, of course. Finding what’s real for me as related to my next career/job. Ideally I want work that is authentic for me, a real expression of who I am. Can I just do a job and be thankful for a paycheck? Maybe, I just need to get over myself. I dunno, you tell me. This all leads me to my biggest struggle – many families’ dilemma. Do I work to put my kids in someone else’s care? I love the people that care for my boys, please don’t get me wrong, but often it’s just about equal: my pay would pay for day care and that’s about it. (and when I say day care, yes, BigBoy would go to preschool). This seems too crazy to comprehend.

And if we can make this work and I can stay home, will I finally lose my identity under a load of laundry? It could happen, trust me. For god sakes, I already drive a minivan. Sometimes I even am repulsed when I think of myself driving 80 down the 5 freeway with my venti latte in one hand and singing Madonna at the top of my lungs (Oh the cliché! Oh the horror! My kids may not play soccer yet, but it’s coming!)

I also will be going to hell (if I believed in hell) because I care about how I look. Vanity is a sin, isn’t it? It’s strange to live in Southern California where people barely wear clothes and 40 IS right around the corner! Really, I just want to feel good about myself, but aging in getting in the way. I know…from the inside out and all that stuff. But have you looked in the mirror lately and said, “Where did that come from?” The real question is where is it going?

And another thing…I need more sex. Let me be clear – with my husband. You know the emotional clogging that gets in the way of really letting it go? (women, back me up here) Well we’re in need of emotional Drain-O! And I struggle here. You’d think with all this writing and putting it out on the internet, I wouldn’t have a problem talking with my husband, but I do.

And that brings me back to the beginning…I write because I can’t afford therapy right now. Writing will help me find my calmer waters and fix my drains. So have a drink with me and let’s toast to the sea!