But it’s okay.  Truly.  I know I’ve got a GOOD man.  I love him for all that he is just like he loves me for all that I am.  Well…with the exception of my exorbitant student loan and that I withheld sex until he finally had his vasectomy.  Apparently those are unforgiveable.  But other than that we have a great partnership and deep love for one another.

I was talking to a heather today while at the park.  She said something interesting to me.  She said that sometimes she thinks that being a wife is harder than being a mom. For her, being a mom comes more naturally, it’s the wife/marriage part that she really has to work at.  I couldn’t agree more.  Actually, I have to work at both, as I wouldn’t easily call myself a natural mother.  I’m a good mother, but often it can be a little rough around the edges.

And not like there’s anything wrong with our marriages.  We compared notes – both hard working, committed and active fathers, good men that we both love dearly, and feel like it’s all good.  But for some reason marriage takes more effort, attention and care.  Maybe because we both believe so strongly that we’re going to go the distance and grow old with our husbands.  We hold a very long (50+ years-holy shit!) time horizon with them.  And when you know you’re going the distance, it’s a different kind of race.  It takes different skills that we don’t see modeled well or frequently.  It reminds me of the Timbuk 3 song, “I Need You” where he sings:  The road is full of dangerous curves, We don’t want to go to fast, We may not make it first, But I know we’re gonna make it last.”

Look, sometimes I get troubled and restless or I go off on my complaints, but I know deep in my heart that he is mine and I am his.  Our love will endure.  We’re in this together and damn, it’s good.  Okay, we should probably have more sex, but that’s not something I think Husband would want me to talk about on my blog.

So what’s with all the lovey dovey?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage after reading Loving Frank, Valentine’s Day and having a visit from a childhood friend.  My marriage is a good, solid, regular kind of marriage.  Nothing really fancy about it.  Nothing over the top or overly dramatic.  It’s not boring and I know that I am loved.  That my marriage is so ordinary and normal, I also find that it is extraordinary.  I know that I’m lucky.  I thank my stars that I aligned my orbit with his over eight years ago.  I’m grateful.

We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day tonight since we both don’t believe in the manufactured love, marketing and money of the holiday.  So we scheduled it out when Lola could watch the boys and we didn’t need reservations.  I’m really looking forward to a night that Husband planned and put some good thought into.  He does have his moments.  I can’t wait to see him and throw my arms around him tonight and say “I love my man!”

Oh and would y’all please remind me of this post when he’s driving me the most crazy!  It’s gonna happen.  I’m sure of it, but now I’m gonna bask in my love and appreciation.  Cheers friends!

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Where am I these days? Am I lost? No. Well maybe a little bit. I’m working on finding my way through a storm.

Am I okay? Yes, but weary. I need to find my peaceful waters. I am close. I can feel it.

So, how do I get there? Writing. I can feel my way through. It always helps to write what’s working first. There are undeniable, beautiful things in my life right now. So I’ll start there.

Holy cow (as Drew is fond of saying right now)…Encinitas is simply beautiful! I thank god often for being able to enjoy my life here. The ocean, blue skies, palm trees (f’ing palm trees – sometimes I want to gag, sometimes I want to giggle) and the completely sublime weather. (I swear if I had a dollar for every person that complains about the weather here! There are so many complainers and I COMPLETELY do not understand what there is to gripe about!) It’s summertime and it couldn’t be more spectacular weather. Hell, I’m taking the boys and going to the beach today for a few hours. Not bad, eh?

Those boys – I was laid off in January and the blessing is that I’ve gotten to discover who these gorgeous little blondie boys are. I have two: BigBoy is 4 ½ and BabyD is 1 ½ . To me they are simply stunning and often they take my breath away with their smiles. It’s funny that I once couldn’t even think of myself as a mom and here I am blown over by two half pints. The boys are the best gift I’ve ever received – and wow, they are a gift that keeps on giving.

My husband – I’ve got a good’en (as Grammy would say). And I should be WAY MORE generous with him than I am (god help me). Husband is reliable, trustworthy, tall and charming, can carry on a conversation and is witty, he’s handsome and sweet-hearted, handy and a super-duper Daddy. He’s also a thick-headed guy sometimes who needs to slow down and listen and think more with his heart. But isn’t that most men? He’s my husband, we’re so married and we’re going the distance because I love him madly. And yes, I am challenged. It’s what I asked for I suppose. (cue Aimee Mann “You’ve got, what you want. You can’t hardly stand it.”)

These are the things I know to be TRUE. You should also know that I am a woman of faith. Not like in god with a capital G (tho I’m not opposed to using that word because it’s how most of us label our belief, but I’ll use a small g, thankyouverymuch). Maybe it’s more that I believe in Magic, but not like the capital W (tho I don’t rule that out either). It’s more that I believe in the beautiful, simple, small miracles. I believe that the world works, good triumphs over evil, words and thoughts can shape and shift reality in a blink of an eye. It’s a tingly feeling that makes things happen. It’s like all the good of Disneyland when you’re a kid and letting go of my adult cynicism of marketing, money and mouse ears. As my friend Victoria would say, it’s getting in the flow.

So what’s my problem? Like many of us – financial strain, of course. Finding what’s real for me as related to my next career/job. Ideally I want work that is authentic for me, a real expression of who I am. Can I just do a job and be thankful for a paycheck? Maybe, I just need to get over myself. I dunno, you tell me. This all leads me to my biggest struggle – many families’ dilemma. Do I work to put my kids in someone else’s care? I love the people that care for my boys, please don’t get me wrong, but often it’s just about equal: my pay would pay for day care and that’s about it. (and when I say day care, yes, BigBoy would go to preschool). This seems too crazy to comprehend.

And if we can make this work and I can stay home, will I finally lose my identity under a load of laundry? It could happen, trust me. For god sakes, I already drive a minivan. Sometimes I even am repulsed when I think of myself driving 80 down the 5 freeway with my venti latte in one hand and singing Madonna at the top of my lungs (Oh the cliché! Oh the horror! My kids may not play soccer yet, but it’s coming!)

I also will be going to hell (if I believed in hell) because I care about how I look. Vanity is a sin, isn’t it? It’s strange to live in Southern California where people barely wear clothes and 40 IS right around the corner! Really, I just want to feel good about myself, but aging in getting in the way. I know…from the inside out and all that stuff. But have you looked in the mirror lately and said, “Where did that come from?” The real question is where is it going?

And another thing…I need more sex. Let me be clear – with my husband. You know the emotional clogging that gets in the way of really letting it go? (women, back me up here) Well we’re in need of emotional Drain-O! And I struggle here. You’d think with all this writing and putting it out on the internet, I wouldn’t have a problem talking with my husband, but I do.

And that brings me back to the beginning…I write because I can’t afford therapy right now. Writing will help me find my calmer waters and fix my drains. So have a drink with me and let’s toast to the sea!

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