But then I can feel it rumbling deep in the depths of my core and in the dark corners of my mind.  Then nervous panic will set in like a creeping cold sweat.  Prickling up my spine, sneaking to the front, and across my chest.  It grips my heart and makes my stomach turn.

Honestly, I don’t know if we’re going to make it.  Married for nine years and the last year we’ve been going to counseling.  Working to keep us together, it’s definitely made a difference in our relationship.  Less fiery anger and more heartfelt conversations have reestablished our connection.  There still is plenty of work to do.  Some conversations still need to be had.

Sure, we could stay together for the kids. That would work for a while.  But really, is there room enough here for both of us? All of us—the biggest part of us and the smallest parts of us. In the twisted, dented package that we both come in. Do we want to be here for each other?

I want to make ultimatums. I want answers. I want an immediate fix to my discomfort and my not knowing.

The real truth is that he doesn’t have the answers and neither do I.

“Put it to the side,” I tell myself. No need to feed that wolf.  Breathe. Find ‘patience’ in my breath.  I know I’m not going anywhere. I know that I’m committed to this marriage.  Keep focused on what’s important, what’s positive, what’s making a difference.  This is a long-term marriage and this is what it looks like sometimes.

Maybe this is my year of …Not the Story You Think It Is.  But here I am again, at my resolution.  I need to/want to/must move through the fear and be in action toward my desired outcome (long-term marriage…maybe I need to revised that to happy, thriving long-term marriage).

This reminds me of a quote that I’ve had on my bulletin board for years.

How do you go beyond your fears and “do it” anyhow? By first acknowledging that the fear is there and probably always will be there when you are going to play your life to “win.”  Acknowledge it by stating: “Ah there’s that fear again.” Then say, “Thank you for sharing.  But what am I committed to and what action at this moment do I NEED to take in order to realize my commitment?”  Second, put your energy on what you want to create rather than putting your energy on the fear of what might happen when you risk.  What we put our energy on will grow. Then take the first action step necessary to start you on the path to realizing your goal. What stops most people is the START.  Then take the second step, and then the third, and so on. Before you know it, because of the new POSITIVE habit, your desires and your actions will be stronger than your fears.

Fear can stop you if you allow it to, or you can move through it and have your goal drive you rather than your fear to stop you.  It’s YOUR choice, choose ACTION!

-       Clement Pepe, Success Coach

This was written in conjunction with the Word of the Month Club.  Wanna play? Check out #NJAJWOTM on Twitter or check out the first post of each month. Would love for you to join!

My heart sank.  How would you even approach that conversation?  As a parent, I couldn’t even imagine.  And I’m sure many of you have been through it as adolescents.  It was devastating, wasn’t it?  My heart cried for all of them and this disturbing thought has stuck with me.

My All-Time Favorite Picture of My Parents, circa 1969

I am happy (and thankful) that my parents never had to have that conversation with me.  My parents are still together.  They married in November 1963 (yeah, that would be 47 years!), just six months after graduating high school in a sunny little Southern California town and just a few days after John F. Kennedy was assassinated, which explains why they didn’t have a wedding photographer (the nation was stunned).  But my Dad didn’t want to lose my Mom when his parents decided to buy a motel on the other side of the country in rural Pennsylvania.  So they got married.

Husbands’ parents have also stuck it out. Their romance begun in college in rural Nova Scotia just a few years later in 1968.  We’re both really lucky to have role models of long-term marriages.

So back to that afternoon of sipping margaritas with girlfriends…I think I grilled Janet about what they had done to try and save their marriage.  Did you go to counseling? “Yeah but we didn’t like it.”  Did you find another counselor that was a better fit then? “We went to a few, but I hated it. I don’t like looking at my feelings and mulling everything over and over.”  {ahem}  Have you had a separation? “No, Dan lives downstairs in our game room.” {hmmm}

OMG I’m such a judgmental bitch.

Seriously, shame on me because I haven’t lived with either of them or walked in their shoes.  Hell, I’ve been previously married and divorced!  So who am I to judge?  Nobody knows what goes on between two people in a relationship for 20 years. The resentments that can build and never get washed away are sometimes too much for people to bear.

Mom, Dad & BigBoy as a Baby (2005)

Except that I’ve watched my parents for the last (almost) 40 years to see how they do it.  How do you survive a marriage of 47 years?  Sometimes my parents have happily danced along.  Sometimes they trudged along.  Trust me it’s been a rocky road for them though the years; failed businesses, accusations of infidelity, moving cross-country (a couple of times), health problems, etc.  They have never been to counseling. I suspect that they think it’s either too expensive or too indulgent.  I know growing up that there was 2 (maybe 3) times that my parents separated (as in moved out) for extended periods of times (months maybe even a full year, I should ask them).  But somehow they always came back together because they couldn’t imagine being a part in the end.

Most the time, I think they’re nuts.  I couldn’t stand living with either of them, let alone for 47 years.  But I know there is great love there.  They took their vows seriously even though I doubt they could remember them now.

Bro, Hawt SIL, Dad, Mom, Me & Hubs, Thanksgiving 2010

I am thankful that I have parents (and Husbands’ too) that have stayed together for so long to model what a long-long-long-term marriage looks like.  I have examples of how to survive and weather the tough years, because they have had some tough years.

Thanks Mom & Dad for showing us HOW long-long-long term marriage CAN BE done.  Not always gracefully, but together.  Somehow, someway you’ve made it work and taught us there are many options to explore before divorce. Now I sit on my high horse and pass judgment on others. (please god forgive me)

I love you both.

Cheers!

But it’s okay.  Truly.  I know I’ve got a GOOD man.  I love him for all that he is just like he loves me for all that I am.  Well…with the exception of my exorbitant student loan and that I withheld sex until he finally had his vasectomy.  Apparently those are unforgiveable.  But other than that we have a great partnership and deep love for one another.

I was talking to a heather today while at the park.  She said something interesting to me.  She said that sometimes she thinks that being a wife is harder than being a mom. For her, being a mom comes more naturally, it’s the wife/marriage part that she really has to work at.  I couldn’t agree more.  Actually, I have to work at both, as I wouldn’t easily call myself a natural mother.  I’m a good mother, but often it can be a little rough around the edges.

And not like there’s anything wrong with our marriages.  We compared notes – both hard working, committed and active fathers, good men that we both love dearly, and feel like it’s all good.  But for some reason marriage takes more effort, attention and care.  Maybe because we both believe so strongly that we’re going to go the distance and grow old with our husbands.  We hold a very long (50+ years-holy shit!) time horizon with them.  And when you know you’re going the distance, it’s a different kind of race.  It takes different skills that we don’t see modeled well or frequently.  It reminds me of the Timbuk 3 song, “I Need You” where he sings:  The road is full of dangerous curves, We don’t want to go to fast, We may not make it first, But I know we’re gonna make it last.”

Look, sometimes I get troubled and restless or I go off on my complaints, but I know deep in my heart that he is mine and I am his.  Our love will endure.  We’re in this together and damn, it’s good.  Okay, we should probably have more sex, but that’s not something I think Husband would want me to talk about on my blog.

So what’s with all the lovey dovey?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage after reading Loving Frank, Valentine’s Day and having a visit from a childhood friend.  My marriage is a good, solid, regular kind of marriage.  Nothing really fancy about it.  Nothing over the top or overly dramatic.  It’s not boring and I know that I am loved.  That my marriage is so ordinary and normal, I also find that it is extraordinary.  I know that I’m lucky.  I thank my stars that I aligned my orbit with his over eight years ago.  I’m grateful.

We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day tonight since we both don’t believe in the manufactured love, marketing and money of the holiday.  So we scheduled it out when Lola could watch the boys and we didn’t need reservations.  I’m really looking forward to a night that Husband planned and put some good thought into.  He does have his moments.  I can’t wait to see him and throw my arms around him tonight and say “I love my man!”

Oh and would y’all please remind me of this post when he’s driving me the most crazy!  It’s gonna happen.  I’m sure of it, but now I’m gonna bask in my love and appreciation.  Cheers friends!