He Let the Sunshine In by Celëne

I had an anniversary pass that I’d like to acknowledge.  Last year, July 29^th to be exact, I started writing (somewhat) regularly on this blog.  As I reread Where Have I Been? The answer is right where I started.  I’m still officially an unemployed, stay-at-home mom.  My kids drive me crazy, my sanity sometimes is buried under the weekly 6 loads of laundry and I’m still not having enough sex.  My house is a mess and I probably drink too much and watch too much tv.

But that’s not all necessarily true.  I need to give myself some credit.  Things have changed.  I’ve changed.  I’ve learned a lot this past year.

I know my Life is Good.  I am blessed with a beautiful family, live in a gorgeous area and community, I have a wealth of incredible friends and while I know there will continue to be big decisions to make around our family finances and what’s next on the career/vocation* department, I have faith that it will all work out well, we will be able to take care of ourselves and our future, and we do this with more joy in our lives.  I’m really committed to that outcome.

I also have my hard days: where I just feel blue, deeply contemplative, and challenged, especially by my boys.  I suspect there is some womanly chemistry that is involved and I’m looking into that.  Nonetheless, my life isn’t always a cheery walk in the park.  And I know the way out is through (I continue to credit MMW with that saying.)

I’ve learned that writing is a great form of expression for me.  Doing this blog brings a great release.  It gives my brain an opportunity to settle and at the same time stir up some crazy ideas.  Writing is birthing a new part of me.  I can feel something different inside building up that I really like.  I find it a little scary, kinda weird and a bit inspiring, so I’m just going to keep going in this direction.  I have some blog improvements in mind and I look forward to your feedback and interactions during this process.  I just know that writing my brain on loudspeaker is making a difference for me and I’d love to make a difference for others and how they see their world and lives.  Yeah, kumbaya and all that stuff.

I’ve also learned that I see something familiar, a pattern maybe, about faith and magic and I need to find a way to capture it in words.  My faith is as strong as ever and as I put more focus on understanding and using my faith, it grows.  I realize that this sounds very strange and any words of support and encouragement here are welcome.

Finally, I am learning that good relationships are golden.  I love deeply those where we can fully be ourselves (my sassy, pain-in-the-ass, and charming self) and accept one another’s quirks — laugh about them, call out each other on them, support each other in them, learn from them, share a drink over them and walk together with them.  Those are good friends.  That’s a good husband.  Those are my lovely children that we’re sharing time and space with.  I am rich in this area and want to continue cultivating these lifelong, solid and tenuous, relationships.  Thank you ladies, thank you blog community, thank you Husband, thank you boys, and thank you my dear nuclear and extended family.

Cheers to another good year!

* My awesome friend and co-word nerd, Tiffany Fox, recently posted on Facebook as her status message the following which I love and wanted to share:

‎”The etymology of vocation versus career is most revealing. The word vocation comes from the Latin word ‘vocare’ or ‘to call.’ It denotes a voice summoning a person to a unique purpose. The word career derives from the Latin word for cart and the Middle French word for race track. It denotes quickly moving in a circle,… never going anywhere.” — Brett & Kate McKay, The Art of Manliness

I have a number of single mom girlfriends and a part of me cringes when I hear about their active sex lives.  Maybe it is just flat out jealousy.  I used to have an active, fun sex life that I was proud of.  In my single life, way back when, I loved sex.  Carrie, Samantha and Miranda (not so much Charlotte) were my heroes.  Cliché as that may be, I was single and having lots of sex in my city of San Francisco.  It was a great life during the rise (and eventual fall) of the dot coms.  San Francisco was having a bit of a hey day and I was drinking it up.  It was not uncommon for me to be dating 3+ guys and throw in a sexy one night stand every once in a while.  My roommate and GBF encouraged my sexual explorations and freedom.  Ah, those were the days when I was kicking up my heels and had my feet in the air!

I eventually was blown away by the man that was to be Husband and I knew that I couldn’t let him go.  I will admit, however, I didn’t marry him for our sexual chemistry.  I married him for his heart, strength of character, and his stability to counter balance my craziness.  I LOVE that man of mine.

Two boys later and being a SAHM, no, I don’t have sex on my mind during the day.  Most the time when we do have sex, quite frankly, I just want to get it over with (pathetic, I know, but true).  I’m tired, bored and I just don’t have the drive or desire that I once did.  I’ve lost my horn dog.  I know that men feel love from our physicality.  I want Husband to feel my love, but I’m not giving it to him that way that he wants or deserves.  So I’ve been doing some investigating with my married friends on how married people do it.  Yes, pun intended.  I’m not talking about positions.  I’m talking about logistics and frequency.

I had a rare and delightful opportunity to have this discussion with two of my guy friends over dinner and drinks while one was in town for a sales meeting.  The one thing I’ve always loved about these guys is that we have a great mutual respect for each other and we all speak very frankly with each other.  There’s no pretense or bullshit between us.  Those kinds of friends are priceless in my book.  One of these guys, I’ll refer to as Dr. Razor.  He’s not a doctor, but I like the formula that he and his wife, Andrea (name changed to protect the innocent), subscribe to.  Dr. Razor is an active dad of two kids about the same age as mine and has been married about the same length of time.  He works and Andrea is a SAHM.  I was shocked and impressed when Dr. Razor said they have sex twice a week!  I loved their formula so I thought I would share.

Thursday night is their intimate week night.  I love that Dr. Razor calls Andrea during the day just to check in.  He said it was important to let her know that he is thinking about her and their special night together.  I think it’s sweet that he just calls to check in.  Being a SAHM, it’s nice to hear from your partner, especially when you’re having one of those days.  After work, they enjoy dinner at home with the family and then he offers to put the kids to bed. (I thought this would be the hardest part to sell to Husband.)  Andrea gets to have some quiet time to herself (my favorite part!) and unwind.  Then after the kids are in bed, they share a drink together and sit and talk for a while.  Eventually, they go to bed and do the deed.  It’s so sweet and appears that everyone gets what they need – a drink, communication, intimacy and sex.  I love that combination!

So I shared this formula with Husband and he was very receptive because at this point I think he would try anything to get laid (and he’s also very sweet and caring too. I don’t want to leave that out).  We’re two for three (in the last few weeks), which isn’t bad for us.  What really works for me is the opportunity to unwind while Husband puts the kids to bed.  I’ve been with them all day and would like a little quiet mind space.  I hid upstairs in our room, did a face masque and read for an hour. What a treat!  I was completely receptive and anxiously awaiting by the time he joined me.  The week that the formula didn’t work was because I totally wasn’t thinking about sex, I ended up putting Baby to bed and I felt that Husband was trying to pick a fight during an earlier conversation.  It just wasn’t happening.  We ended up talking and cuddling which was lame nice and I probably should have given it up, but emotionally I wasn’t there.

Has it come to this?  That we have to schedule sex? Yes.  But if I can get this much attention, care and intimacy, I’m all for it.  Husband’s happy because we’re working toward one time a week. I’m all for doing it twice a week.  I believe that sex and intimacy begets more sex and intimacy.  I’m reminded how much I miss it, want it and need it with my loving Husband.  Lola thinks we should learn to walk before we run.  However, I’m curious how we’re going to fit the second time in during our busy weekends.  Morning cartoons for the kids and locking our door I’ve heard is the way to go.  Cheers to figuring it out and getting my horn dog back (eventually).

Please tell me I’m not the only one that has the lame ass goal of getting to sex once a week! I’d love to hear where you’re at with it.

But it’s okay.  Truly.  I know I’ve got a GOOD man.  I love him for all that he is just like he loves me for all that I am.  Well…with the exception of my exorbitant student loan and that I withheld sex until he finally had his vasectomy.  Apparently those are unforgiveable.  But other than that we have a great partnership and deep love for one another.

I was talking to a heather today while at the park.  She said something interesting to me.  She said that sometimes she thinks that being a wife is harder than being a mom. For her, being a mom comes more naturally, it’s the wife/marriage part that she really has to work at.  I couldn’t agree more.  Actually, I have to work at both, as I wouldn’t easily call myself a natural mother.  I’m a good mother, but often it can be a little rough around the edges.

And not like there’s anything wrong with our marriages.  We compared notes – both hard working, committed and active fathers, good men that we both love dearly, and feel like it’s all good.  But for some reason marriage takes more effort, attention and care.  Maybe because we both believe so strongly that we’re going to go the distance and grow old with our husbands.  We hold a very long (50+ years-holy shit!) time horizon with them.  And when you know you’re going the distance, it’s a different kind of race.  It takes different skills that we don’t see modeled well or frequently.  It reminds me of the Timbuk 3 song, “I Need You” where he sings:  The road is full of dangerous curves, We don’t want to go to fast, We may not make it first, But I know we’re gonna make it last.”

Look, sometimes I get troubled and restless or I go off on my complaints, but I know deep in my heart that he is mine and I am his.  Our love will endure.  We’re in this together and damn, it’s good.  Okay, we should probably have more sex, but that’s not something I think Husband would want me to talk about on my blog.

So what’s with all the lovey dovey?  I’ve been thinking a lot about my marriage after reading Loving Frank, Valentine’s Day and having a visit from a childhood friend.  My marriage is a good, solid, regular kind of marriage.  Nothing really fancy about it.  Nothing over the top or overly dramatic.  It’s not boring and I know that I am loved.  That my marriage is so ordinary and normal, I also find that it is extraordinary.  I know that I’m lucky.  I thank my stars that I aligned my orbit with his over eight years ago.  I’m grateful.

We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day tonight since we both don’t believe in the manufactured love, marketing and money of the holiday.  So we scheduled it out when Lola could watch the boys and we didn’t need reservations.  I’m really looking forward to a night that Husband planned and put some good thought into.  He does have his moments.  I can’t wait to see him and throw my arms around him tonight and say “I love my man!”

Oh and would y’all please remind me of this post when he’s driving me the most crazy!  It’s gonna happen.  I’m sure of it, but now I’m gonna bask in my love and appreciation.  Cheers friends!