I am a word nerd. I love to look up the definitions of words. Dictionary.com is one of the most used apps on my iPhone.

BigBoy asks, “Mom, what does ‘titubant’ mean?”

I eagerly respond, “I don’t know, son. Let’s look it up on my phone!”

He didn’t really ask what that word was, it’s just the word of the day, but you get the idea.  I like words. I like knowing their definitions and all the different ways a single word can mean.

So here’s what we’ll do…each month I’ll post a word (closer to the first of the month) and you write about that word. However, it hits you and in whatever direction it takes you. Go with the flow. And if you change your mind about the word or come up with a different idea, post again. For goodness sakes, you’ve got a month.

Come back and link up.  Check out what other people wrote about the word. You may be surprised how wonderfully different we all are.  I’m hoping for excellent word diversity.  If you don’t have a blog, but would like to contribute, I’ll gladly include you as a guest poster of the Word of the Month Club (send me an email JenH {at} NotJustAnotherJen {dot} com).

This is an invitation to be funny, be vulnerable and to put some thought into it. What does the word make you think about? What does it stir in you? Sit, think, hell have a drink, then write in down and link it up.

This month’s Word of the Month Club brought to you by Not Just Another Jen is:

Fear /fɪər/ [feer]

noun

1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms: phobia, aversion; bête noire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness, penchant, predilection.

3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.

4. reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence, veneration.

5. something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of: Cancer is a common fear.

6. anticipation of the possibility that something unpleasant will occur: Having grown up during the Great Depression, he had a constant fear of running out of money.

To see more on Fear (as a verb, synonyms or its origin) click on the word.

Some initial thoughts:

What do you fear?  What’s so funny about fear? How do you overcome fear? Why is Halloween fearful? What do you teach your children about fear?

Looking forward to hearing from you.  Cheers!

It’s like when you finally get used to working out and then you take some time off, you start feeling fat.  That’s how my brain and writing muscle feels right now.  My brain is feeling fat.

I’ve just got to write. I don’t feel right without it.

Honestly, there have been lots of thoughts about my blog percolating in my mind since my vision board party at the beginning of the year.  There are things that I want to change, a new focus, and a clearer intent to serve others.  So I’m working on it and it’s working on me.

I’m headed to BlogHer ’11 next week and am particularly looking forward to the Pathfinder Day.  I’ll keep you posted and let you know if I clearly find my path.

In short, I just wanted to say I’m here showing up for a brain workout.  Getting my fingers and flow back in motion.  Sometimes getting ready for my workout and showing up is the hardest part.  But I know the way out is through and Nike’s advertising is so right.  Even for writing.

Cheers.

Ali (@PickleSugarPlum), @SugarJones (who I LOVE) & moi

I went to Bloggy Boot Camp San Diego this last weekend and I’ll start by saying it was AWESOME. It was super duper worth the money, the connections made are incredible and the three bags of swag alone was worth the price of admission. So if you’re a blogger and it’s coming to a city near you or you’re looking for a getaway with purpose, GO. Bloggy Boot Camp has my full recommendation. No doubt about it. Tiffany Romero, Francessca Banducci and the SITS Girls absolutely create an event that is intimate, inclusive and inspiring. Awesome job girls! Well done!

Overall I am satisfied with my blog. It’s a place to put my thoughts and a space for my voice in the interwebby world. My blog has been my self therapy. It is good writing practice and I enjoy the process. There are LOTS of ideas that I have for my blog, but with life such that it is, I cannot and do not dedicate the time or heart that I would love for my blog to be. I need to make money and working takes a lot of my time.  Now, If my blog was making money then I could justify more time on it.  I’m interested in having my husband get excited about my blogging and that will take cold hard cash or really cool trade for services.  So, I’ve been in need of direction and guidance.  From all my looking and searching most blog income is passive, very passive. I haven’t heard of anyone being able to slap up some ad networks or link to Amazon or other affiliates and make anything more than what I likely spend at Starbucks each month. But there’s got to be a way…

Well, Bloggy Boot Camp addressed that. Let me say that not everyone that goes to BBC is interested in making money or delving deeply into social media. Let me explain how BBC is brilliantly set up. First of all, it’s all about networking. You’re in a room with 150 other women that do the same thing (blog) and we’re all nervous. So get over yourself and realize that you rock (thank you SD Momfia for your great words of encouragement. I took them to heart). At this conference your seats are assigned differently for each speaker in order to encourage you to meet other bloggers rather than analyze other girls outfits with your BFF. But I can tell you there were some great shoes and for the love of goddesses, Dead Cow Girl’s vintage jacket was hot! But think of it more like ongoing compliment city than competition crazy. It’s inclusive and uplifting. We’re all in this together, remember.

There was a warm, quick, funny welcome (Tiffany IS pretty), a disclosure that this is all opinion and people’s experience (not the gospel) and then there were four amazing speakers (check them out: Ashley Stock of Little Miss Momma, Anna Viele of ABDPBT, my local favorite Mary Burt-Godwin of Mama Mary Show and Denae Handy of The Backordered Life) who brought their own humor, style, story and lessons to the group. GOOD STUFF…all of them.

Then there was lunch, which was pretty good and we got pitched by a sponsor, Smart & Final, where I eventually told the marketing agent that I don’t like S&F’s junky stores and products (she asked for the truth!) because I’m more organically inclined and then she informed me that Henry’s and Sprouts are owned by S&F’s parent company. Who knew??? I promptly gave her my card with “will write for organic food” on the back. Yeah, that’s how I roll…I’m telling you that there is a way to make a living blogging. I’m looking for those opportunities!

Ok…the back half was divided into those interested about the art and skill of writing (with MamaKat!) and those that wanted to talk about the business of blogging (with AWESOME women like stamped jewelry queen Lisa Leonard; Amy Bradley Hole of Be Better Branding and southern goddess; and contract lawyer Danielle Liss who kept staring at my eyebrows). Guess which talk I went to?  Truthfully, I can write (certainly needs improvement, but if you know me, you know this is really how I talk). All day. I have a lot to say. Just give me some wine and away we go. Try to stop me (well, I do need to sleep…and work…and those darn kids…oh yeah, my darling husband…FOOD, wine, my friends…sorry, got distracted…)

Me & the Easter Bunny from Hop (another Sponsor), Theresa (@RockOnMommies), Beth (@HipMamB), Chelsey (@somedayilllearn), Christine (@MommyLuvsCoffee), Candice (@FashOrganized) & Mary (@MamaMaryShow)

Then we were pitched educated for 15 minutes about Invisalign (gotta say, pretty cool if you or your kids need that), had a coffee break (supplied by S&F) and then we got the 411 on Media Kits and ways to get sponsors and promotions with the SITS Girls advice. After that, we moved along to a beautiful room overlooking the Bahia Belle and a marina sampling wine from another sponsor, Mirassou, which I have to say should send some bottles to my next HHH. I’ll take a case of the Pinot Grigio & Pinot Noir, thankyouverymuch. My mamas need to know about this brand because there is too many to choose from at the grocery store, why shouldn’t it be Mirassou? Right? Right.

So all that being said, there were excellent tips, great insight and I walked away with so many great ideas and things that I need to do. I wish that I could do a Samantha and wiggle my nose and make them all work tonight. Alas, I wasn’t given those powers. I just know what my Grammy told me, “inch by inch is a cinch and yard by yard is hard.” However, I see a great opportunity ahead to make money, do what I love as a WAHM, and a wonderful network of women to support me in my journey. For that, I am deeply grateful to all those that contributed to my excellent experience at Bloggy Boot Camp. Thank you Tiffany, Francesca, Mama Kat and all the speakers and women who have put my brain in a whirlwind and lifted my spirits. I have been inspired and overwhelmed. Thank you and bless you for your good work.

To you I raise my glass…CHEERS!

Happy Thankful Thursday! If you have something to give thanks for, feel free to comment below and/or let me know about your Bloggy Boot Camp San Diego (or other location) experience. Feel free to borrow my button and link up if you believe in Thankful Thursday.

He Let the Sunshine In by Celëne

I had an anniversary pass that I’d like to acknowledge.  Last year, July 29^th to be exact, I started writing (somewhat) regularly on this blog.  As I reread Where Have I Been? The answer is right where I started.  I’m still officially an unemployed, stay-at-home mom.  My kids drive me crazy, my sanity sometimes is buried under the weekly 6 loads of laundry and I’m still not having enough sex.  My house is a mess and I probably drink too much and watch too much tv.

But that’s not all necessarily true.  I need to give myself some credit.  Things have changed.  I’ve changed.  I’ve learned a lot this past year.

I know my Life is Good.  I am blessed with a beautiful family, live in a gorgeous area and community, I have a wealth of incredible friends and while I know there will continue to be big decisions to make around our family finances and what’s next on the career/vocation* department, I have faith that it will all work out well, we will be able to take care of ourselves and our future, and we do this with more joy in our lives.  I’m really committed to that outcome.

I also have my hard days: where I just feel blue, deeply contemplative, and challenged, especially by my boys.  I suspect there is some womanly chemistry that is involved and I’m looking into that.  Nonetheless, my life isn’t always a cheery walk in the park.  And I know the way out is through (I continue to credit MMW with that saying.)

I’ve learned that writing is a great form of expression for me.  Doing this blog brings a great release.  It gives my brain an opportunity to settle and at the same time stir up some crazy ideas.  Writing is birthing a new part of me.  I can feel something different inside building up that I really like.  I find it a little scary, kinda weird and a bit inspiring, so I’m just going to keep going in this direction.  I have some blog improvements in mind and I look forward to your feedback and interactions during this process.  I just know that writing my brain on loudspeaker is making a difference for me and I’d love to make a difference for others and how they see their world and lives.  Yeah, kumbaya and all that stuff.

I’ve also learned that I see something familiar, a pattern maybe, about faith and magic and I need to find a way to capture it in words.  My faith is as strong as ever and as I put more focus on understanding and using my faith, it grows.  I realize that this sounds very strange and any words of support and encouragement here are welcome.

Finally, I am learning that good relationships are golden.  I love deeply those where we can fully be ourselves (my sassy, pain-in-the-ass, and charming self) and accept one another’s quirks — laugh about them, call out each other on them, support each other in them, learn from them, share a drink over them and walk together with them.  Those are good friends.  That’s a good husband.  Those are my lovely children that we’re sharing time and space with.  I am rich in this area and want to continue cultivating these lifelong, solid and tenuous, relationships.  Thank you ladies, thank you blog community, thank you Husband, thank you boys, and thank you my dear nuclear and extended family.

Cheers to another good year!

* My awesome friend and co-word nerd, Tiffany Fox, recently posted on Facebook as her status message the following which I love and wanted to share:

‎”The etymology of vocation versus career is most revealing. The word vocation comes from the Latin word ‘vocare’ or ‘to call.’ It denotes a voice summoning a person to a unique purpose. The word career derives from the Latin word for cart and the Middle French word for race track. It denotes quickly moving in a circle,… never going anywhere.” — Brett & Kate McKay, The Art of Manliness

Well my first post went up last month and it’s about getting past nit-picking my dear Husband.  Pray for me…well, we all should be praying for him actually.  Please check out the post and feel free to comment there to make me look good. Please.

I’m totally stoked to be a contributor to such a cool project.  The site offers realistic and conscious parenting advice, created by two women that met right after their deliveries.  The other half of this creative genius is Zen Mommy who just had twins!  I wonder how much OM is going on at her house these days.  I have been a regular reader of this site since I started blogging last year and love the variety of topics.  Please subscribe to their site and spread the love.

The best part for me is that I’m one degree of separation away from the bold and amazing Ayelet Waldman who contributed to My Mommy Manual when Bad Mother came out.  At least now if I ever met her I’d have something to say other than repeating “oh my god you’re so awesome.  You’re like my mommy hero” as I shook and sweated and repeated myself again and again, which is how I always imagined it would go.  Check out their related articles to Ayelet’s book (one of my favorites!) Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace on how to lay off other moms, moving past judgment, and the Good Mother Rules.

Stay tuned for my contribution this month, which will most likely be around what I learned from being Committed.  No, not like the sanitarium (because yes, I am crazy to think that I know anything about marriage! I’m making this shit up as I go along too!).  I’m talking about Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, her follow up from the extremely successful, Eat, Pray, Love.  Cheers!

Here’s what I learned.  I need more quiet time.  Plain and simple.

I realize that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) means that you’re home a lot.  Sure you might leave the house during the week to run errands, go to the park, or to the library.  But when do you really have a day off?  NEVER.  You come home to “your work.”  Ok, I realize that some women may be offended by relating my kids and home to work.  But I take my job seriously (and not so seriously too!  We have lots of fun and laughs).  Nonetheless, for me, being a SAHM is WORK.  I’ve been having a hard time legitimizing that!

My husband gets to GO to work then come home.  My home (and family) is my work.  I live in my work place.  I think I’ve been feeling the effects of what it must be like to work to live.  Work is never done.  I have felt overwhelmed and equally underwhelmed of late.  I’ve lost a sense of myself (probably at the bottom of the toy box) and I’ve dug my head under books and Bejeweled Blitz (damn that game!) to hide out and wallow.  I feel like I’ve been dazed and confused.

I used to work (out of the home) and it cost me.  It cost my sense of humor; perspective of my family and finances; and particularly my relationship with BigBoy (we like each other so much more now).  I always felt like I was just barely dog paddling enough to keep my head out of the water.  For those working moms who are keeping it together, I applaud you.  It’s fast paced dance, so good for you if you can keep up with the rhythm with some sort of grace and joy.

So enough complaining.  Lola helped to lift the fog.  I see that if I spent some more time engaged in the activities that I know take care of me, I’ll be happier, healthier, and have my head on straight.  Enough of the hitting myself on the head for not getting everything done.  I’m not gonna get it all done.  I know that.  I will find more joy and ease in my life (not to mention a sense of accomplishment in my day) if I do my meditations (5 minutes helps), morning yoga (5 sun salutations), and journaling (blogging helps too!).  I learned some great techniques for staying on the positive side of life from another great friend and teacher, Rita Hovakimian, that I know work!  So I’ve pulled out my old notebook from her class and started reading and writing.  Yeah!

I’ve always been a big supporter of afternoon quiet time (for all of us).  BigBoy doesn’t have to sleep, but play quietly in his room and Baby goes down for his nap.  Recently, I’ve not been rigorous about the amount of time, but I’m reinstating the 1-1/2 hour afternoon minimum (but I’d like to shoot for 2 hours!).  This is when I get to do what I want, not laundry or dishes (out of obligation), but uninterrupted time to lunch, relax, write, and read (moderately).  And yes, I’m blessed because I have kids that can stay (relatively) quietly in their own rooms.  The truth of the matter is that I need my down time.  It helps me listen to the unending story of garbage trucks just a little bit longer in the evening.  It helps me not want to yell at my husband when he walks in the door.  It helps me complain less and love this life a little more.  Because I really do cherish this time.

I also have Annie Witzmann to thank for taking care of my boys on Fridays.  I call them Sanity Fridays.  I get to do my own stuff without the boys.  It’s like a weekend (pre-kids) crammed into 8-hours.  Sometimes I pay the bills (I’ve learned that uninterrupted time means that they go on time with the right amounts!) and clean house, but other times I go to the movies (saw Whip It and loved it!) or walk on the beach.  So thank you god for having me hear this message.  Got it.  Shhh!  It’s quiet time.  Cheers and THANK YOU friends!

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS

1) I walk down the street.

There is a huge hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I’m lost….hopeless.

It’s not my fault.

It takes forever to get out.

2) I walk down the same street.

There is a huge hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe that I’m in the same place again.

But it’s not my fault.

Still, it takes me a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.

There is a huge hole in the sidewalk.

I see it.

Still I fall in…it’s a habit.

My eyes are wide open.

Already I know where I am.

It’s my fault.

I climb out quickly.

4) I walk down the same street.

There is a huge hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

5) I walk down a different street.

- Portia Nelson

I’ll get to the point…The Gargoyle by first-timer Andrew Davidson is one of the best reads I’ve had in a long time (sorry C&B, but it’s true for me!).  While, I’d love to devour this book, I simply want to a savor it a few chapters at a time.  It’s so delicious and a touch decadent.  I like what The Providence Journal wrote, “Reads like the mad spawn of Anne Rice and Stephen King.”  It has the gothic love story and the brutal honesty and wit of terrifying events.  There are absolutely points in the beginning of the book where I read it with one eye open, but I kept reading and don’t want to stop.  And I must give my sincere kudos to Andrew’s excellent writing (the kind of writing where I want to underline the sentence and repeat it over and over again because it sounds so good or there’s just enough interesting words that I want to look them up in the dictionary because I’m a word nerd).  And yes, I’d like to be on a first name basis with the writer.  People that have that kind of dark sense of humor and still are with hope and peace are my kind of people.

So read it if you like to fall fast in love with a dark tale.  I’ll be devouring the rest of it today at the beach.  It is Sanity Friday, you know (the boys go to day care on Fridays!  Whoohoo!).  I think I’ll even pack a square of chocolate (however, it will be Hershey’s) to really kick off this Labor Day weekend.  Cheers!

* Damn you Scharffen Berger!  I will NEVER forgive you for this! However a couple of boxes may have me reconsider my position.

P.S.  Dear Random House, I really prefer the above cover to the one with the woman.  (reader note above book link)  The woman on the cover, while sexy, wouldn’t attract me to read the book if I stumbled up on it at the library or used book store.  The cover with the woman looks like all the books in the 60% off section of big box book stores.  Go with the singed gothic look.  Thank you.

However yesterday there was an incredible theme to my day that kept rearing its head and would not go away.  So there’s a lesson here for me to hear.  Hopefully it will make sense to you as my writing skills are still developing.

It all starts with Jon Gosselin.  I really don’t want to talk about it all that much because the thought of giving either Jon or Kate anymore airtime makes me want to vomit.  This is just a place to start the story.  However, I begin with the quote for the day.

“I took a lot of abuse from her. I was put down,” Jon Gosselin tells ABC’s Chris Cuomo in an interview set to air next week.”

He bugs me so terribly that two words come to mind.  Douchebag and Fuktard (thank you Sista Sista for that great word!).

I dunno. Do you think that Guy Ritchie has been mouthing off to the press that Madonna told him what to do?  To me, the simple fact of the matter is that he (both Jon and Guy) married a strong woman.  [can’t stand the thought of putting Madonna and Kate in the same sentence.  Madonna is The Queen afterall.  However, Kate’s got 8 kids.  She’s remained (somewhat) upbeat, attractive, and appears she hasn’t lost her mind yet.  She’s on the road to sainthood in my book. But how many kids does Madonna have now??? Anyway, I digress…]   I suspect that being attracted to a strong woman is probably what attracted those guys in the first place and I suspect that same quality is what also did them in.

So why does Jon have to publicly wail and lick his wounds?  In Las Vegas or Nice of all places?  Does he ever watch old episodes?  I’d yell at him too if he was moping around with that attitude and not keeping up.  Kate runs a tight ship, but the gal gets the job done.  There are eight kids, afterall!  I only have two and I think organizing and getting the kids underway everyday is tough!  Get on board or get off, I say.  However, why play the victim?  Or the playboy?  Go away, Jon.  Recover.  But keep the kids in perspective, Buddy.  You’re losing at your own game.  Go home., Jon.  Chill out with the kids and don’t pick up the phone.  I swear, he is like a bad drunk at a party.  You just want to tell the guy to go home before it gets any worse.

Strangely, Jon really got me thinking (along with some other conversations with friends along the day).  How stupid are we all?  We complain about the very thing that we asked for and then we don’t take responsibility for our relationships taking a downturn.  That doesn’t seem right to me.  For example, we (I think I’m not the only one who’s done this) fall in love with someone and that very quality that we loved is now what we say is pulling us a part.  We fall in love with someone that is…strong…or dependable, and we have a whole story, psychobabble, and reasons for why we want what we want.  We justify.  And then months or sometimes years, it is that very quality that we start complaining about.  What is wrong with us?  I am an idiot.

I can see me doing that with my husband.  He is Steady Eddy.  It is one of his best qualities.  I am learning (oh how I’m learning…) that strong and steady wins the race.  However, if I am to complain about him there are plenty of stories of me rebelling against his some of his biggest strengths.

I mean, didn’t we realize what we signed up for?  It’s not like the person has really gone and changed all that much.  Maybe I’ve changed or my perspective has just changed.  Sometimes that sucks.  Really badly sucks.  But if you’re committed (in the sense that divorce is not an option ) then you probably have to work your shit out.  Communication is always going to be the answer the question, “So what’s missing?”  And I’m learning that generally starts with me needing to communicate more.  (like hey Jen, why are you writing a blog and not talking to your husband more…duh!)

So I’ve set up game night on Monday nights.  I’m committed to putting the kids down at 8:00 (earlier if I can make it work so I’m downstairs at that time).  Husband and I have fell in love playing cards or pool, so it’s a good way of spending time together.  Plus we both like to win and it’s a great metaphor for our relationship.  Monday was our first night. We played rummicube.  It ending up being a very good night (eventhough I lost).

The second thing I know that I need to be doing is to sing praises in my heart and out loud of the things that I love or appreciate about my husband.  I’m practicing to have more positive thoughts in and around him then those shitty, complaining, whining thoughts about him (or our relationship).  Remember, Pollyanna had a very happy life.  And if it works , I’ll do it.  I want the scales to tip in the positive direction.  Stay tuned…I’m sure I’ll write more about my struggles in this lesson.

So when we’re all stressed out about our relationships and not feeling like we’re getting what we want.  Or the other person is this that or the other thing (I’m saying this out  loud as much for my own benefit as my friends from yesterday) I think it’s important to, yes as cliché as it is or as painful as it may be, count your blessings and talk.  Why is this so hard for so many of us.  It seems simple.  Simple, but not easy.

So friends, thank you for helping me sort my shit out.  I’m going to have a very well deserved glass of wine and will be thinking good thoughts of you.  Cheers, friends!

P.S.  I think Guy Ritchie is hawt and a king in another life and time I would have gladly served.  Jon is still a douchebag even though I am an idiot too.  Go home Jon and out of the spotlight.  We don’t want to hear it anymore.

Where am I these days? Am I lost? No. Well maybe a little bit. I’m working on finding my way through a storm.

Am I okay? Yes, but weary. I need to find my peaceful waters. I am close. I can feel it.

So, how do I get there? Writing. I can feel my way through. It always helps to write what’s working first. There are undeniable, beautiful things in my life right now. So I’ll start there.

Holy cow (as Drew is fond of saying right now)…Encinitas is simply beautiful! I thank god often for being able to enjoy my life here. The ocean, blue skies, palm trees (f’ing palm trees – sometimes I want to gag, sometimes I want to giggle) and the completely sublime weather. (I swear if I had a dollar for every person that complains about the weather here! There are so many complainers and I COMPLETELY do not understand what there is to gripe about!) It’s summertime and it couldn’t be more spectacular weather. Hell, I’m taking the boys and going to the beach today for a few hours. Not bad, eh?

Those boys – I was laid off in January and the blessing is that I’ve gotten to discover who these gorgeous little blondie boys are. I have two: BigBoy is 4 ½ and BabyD is 1 ½ . To me they are simply stunning and often they take my breath away with their smiles. It’s funny that I once couldn’t even think of myself as a mom and here I am blown over by two half pints. The boys are the best gift I’ve ever received – and wow, they are a gift that keeps on giving.

My husband – I’ve got a good’en (as Grammy would say). And I should be WAY MORE generous with him than I am (god help me). Husband is reliable, trustworthy, tall and charming, can carry on a conversation and is witty, he’s handsome and sweet-hearted, handy and a super-duper Daddy. He’s also a thick-headed guy sometimes who needs to slow down and listen and think more with his heart. But isn’t that most men? He’s my husband, we’re so married and we’re going the distance because I love him madly. And yes, I am challenged. It’s what I asked for I suppose. (cue Aimee Mann “You’ve got, what you want. You can’t hardly stand it.”)

These are the things I know to be TRUE. You should also know that I am a woman of faith. Not like in god with a capital G (tho I’m not opposed to using that word because it’s how most of us label our belief, but I’ll use a small g, thankyouverymuch). Maybe it’s more that I believe in Magic, but not like the capital W (tho I don’t rule that out either). It’s more that I believe in the beautiful, simple, small miracles. I believe that the world works, good triumphs over evil, words and thoughts can shape and shift reality in a blink of an eye. It’s a tingly feeling that makes things happen. It’s like all the good of Disneyland when you’re a kid and letting go of my adult cynicism of marketing, money and mouse ears. As my friend Victoria would say, it’s getting in the flow.

So what’s my problem? Like many of us – financial strain, of course. Finding what’s real for me as related to my next career/job. Ideally I want work that is authentic for me, a real expression of who I am. Can I just do a job and be thankful for a paycheck? Maybe, I just need to get over myself. I dunno, you tell me. This all leads me to my biggest struggle – many families’ dilemma. Do I work to put my kids in someone else’s care? I love the people that care for my boys, please don’t get me wrong, but often it’s just about equal: my pay would pay for day care and that’s about it. (and when I say day care, yes, BigBoy would go to preschool). This seems too crazy to comprehend.

And if we can make this work and I can stay home, will I finally lose my identity under a load of laundry? It could happen, trust me. For god sakes, I already drive a minivan. Sometimes I even am repulsed when I think of myself driving 80 down the 5 freeway with my venti latte in one hand and singing Madonna at the top of my lungs (Oh the cliché! Oh the horror! My kids may not play soccer yet, but it’s coming!)

I also will be going to hell (if I believed in hell) because I care about how I look. Vanity is a sin, isn’t it? It’s strange to live in Southern California where people barely wear clothes and 40 IS right around the corner! Really, I just want to feel good about myself, but aging in getting in the way. I know…from the inside out and all that stuff. But have you looked in the mirror lately and said, “Where did that come from?” The real question is where is it going?

And another thing…I need more sex. Let me be clear – with my husband. You know the emotional clogging that gets in the way of really letting it go? (women, back me up here) Well we’re in need of emotional Drain-O! And I struggle here. You’d think with all this writing and putting it out on the internet, I wouldn’t have a problem talking with my husband, but I do.

And that brings me back to the beginning…I write because I can’t afford therapy right now. Writing will help me find my calmer waters and fix my drains. So have a drink with me and let’s toast to the sea!