Before I get too dark and moody (say Concrete Blonde’s Dance Along the Edge), I do have a great life.  I think if you read enough entries of this blog you will see that I’m deeply grateful and appreciative of the big and little moments in my life.  In fact, I’ve always been one of such a sunny disposition, I literally have a tattoo of a sun on my backside.  Maybe that’s why I know I’m slipping, it’s such a stark contrast.

I also know that others go through this and the path of a SAHM is often a steep one.  Well, I’m on the climb or should I say decline.  Which way is out?  In the moment, I’m not so sure.  I just know I’m so completely frustrated and angry that I could simultaneously scream and cry (which I’ve done).  I have those movie moments in my head when I can see myself doing all sorts of violent things to my (soon-to-be) five year old and then I blink and he’s still there.  Talking.  And talking and talking.  “…and you know what else Mommy?…”  “…and then the garbage truck went [insert sound effects and claw like action here]…”  And then there’s BabyD patting me on the leg saying, “Mommy potty, Mommy potty!”  He needs me to take him to the upstairs potty because for whatever reason he won’t go in the downstairs toilet (and we were just up there, but he didn’t go).  I would have sworn that I sat them down with snacks and plenty of trucks less than 10 minutes ago.

I feed the boys every 1 ½ hours.  I turn on the tv so I can take a shower and reasonably be uninterrupted for 20 minutes.  I get up early in the morning and do a little yoga to set my day right.  I know how to count to 10 and breathe deeply.  I try to get out every day, if not to run them out at a park then for us to run errands together.  Everyone has quiet/nap time for at least an hour.  We eat lunch pretty much about the same time every day (and we eat fruit and vegetables).  I’ve got a good schedule and feel I have a good read on the emotional and energetic needs of the boys.  In general, I feel pretty good about that.  And overall I do have great kids.

But please god oh please, could I get a f’n 15 minutes not interrupted here and there throughout the day???  No.  Evidently I can’t.  Can we go to a store, the post office or the park without a sibling fight, temper tantrum or extreme meltdown?  No. Evidently we can’t.

Please stop hitting your brother.  Please lower your voice.  Please be kind to each other.  Please say you’re sorry.  You come over here and sit by me, the other sit on the chair right here and no more talking.  BigBoy give BabyD his toy back.  Stop yelling (as I scream).  BabyD, leave your brother alone.  One more time and you’re getting a time out.  That’s not a nice thing to say.  That’s back-talking; knock it off.  Yes, I’ll get you more water, crackers, snacks, oranges, bananas, toast, etc.

I say all this and more 10 times a day.  Inside, outside, awake, asleep, everywhere I go.  I want to pull our hair out and I’m not a Trichotillomaniac.  Just a SAHM going slowly crazy.

And I still can’t get through my emails, return a phone call, finish the laundry, do the dishes or clean the kitchen each day.  I’m a Mommy Interrupted.  It’s constant, non-stop and maddening.  I’ve always believed that there is enough room here for everyone to get what they need, but lately I feel what I need is just a couple of moments of solace here and there throughout the day.  They are so F’N DEMANDING, RELENTLESS, LOUD, IRRITATING.  And then two minutes later we will be laughing because one of them did something so completely funny or we start dancing in the kitchen because a good song came on.  It’s all the extreme range of emotions that has me thrown for a loop and thrown close to the edge.

You gotta know I’m a good Mom and typically rather sane and reasonable.  However, I can finally see behind such tragic events of the headlines.  Why do Moms rarely talk about losing their sanity?  Do we just accept that it comes with the territory?  I know I’m not the only one.  I know I don’t need psychiatric help or psychological services, but some community support and acknowledgment that this is real and I’m not going nuts (well maybe that I am and it’s okay) would be much appreciated.

How do you deal?  Mommy on the brink needs to know!  I’d say cheers, but I’ve already had too much!

P.S.  I’d like to thank Bryn and my SIL, Heather, for putting words to the emotions I’ve been feeling lately.  Thanks friends for helping see the light through the dark.

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It’s important for me to remember when it’s really tough that “this too shall pass.”  An old friend, Mary Michael Murphy, once told me, “The way out is through” and I never forget that.  Soon enough there will be peace and then some new challenge will come along.  During my pregnancies and ever since birthing, one of my ongoing mantras has been “You’ll be okay.”  Yes, I’ll be okay.  Just repeat after me and laugh with me.  That’s what I do.  Repeat, laugh, breathe.

We’re in nap time transition.  We’re in the second week of Baby only having one nap instead of two.  He is 19 months.  It is time, really.  So with yesterday’s episode and thumb sucking early today, he went down early (11:30 am) and it’s quiet right now.  Can I get a collective, “ahhh!”  I’m so thankful for quiet time.  I’m happy to report that we’re not going any where today.  I’m going to do laundry and work in the back yard.  Today is a quiet day of domesticity.  Yes, there is something strangely pleasant in these days for me.  (Contrast that with the going, going, going that we often do.)

So today is a day of breath and relaxation.  Yes, I did my yoga this morning.  Thank you for asking.  Some quiet sitting is in order though.  So I’m getting off the computer, going to have my favorite lunch (Triscuits, two slices of havarti cheese, and a vanilla yogurt), read a bit, and breathe deeply.

Enjoy your day and cheers, friends!

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Monday was just one of those days.  To admit the truth, I didn’t do my morning meditation or my yoga, so it just goes to show me.  Anyway, BigBoy was not listening to me and was not picking up the toys off the floor and out of my room.  Don’t you know, I stepped on that stupid, yellow metal jet and cut my foot.  Of course this was all happening when BabyD was screaming and the dog was at my heels wanting something.  I yelled a loud profanity and I swear I could have thrown that yellow jet like a ninja star toward BigBoy, but I held it and screamed some more.  I gimped back to my room while I heard BigBoy break into sobs because undoubtedly I scared him.  He apologized.  I apologized.  All was well.

But then again there was BabyD who just couldn’t get the day started on the right foot.  He was crying and hitting and pushing our buttons.  I start my deep breathing and turned on the hot water for a shower.  “Just two minutes alone and quiet, please” I prayed.  I could hear the boys playing (and fighting, but they’ll work it out) down the hall.  I saw my moment and jumped into the shower.  I love HOT showers.  Lots of good thinking and relaxing happens there.  As I was toweling off and putting on lotion, BigBoy walks in and says to me, “I protected you from Baby and here’s a band aid, Mom.”  OMG…how endearing is that?  Love them!

Yesterday, I was blow drying my hair and the boys were jumping on my bed.  BabyD comes around because he likes when I shoot the blow dryer at him.  We were laughing and carrying on and he starts screaming “Bug!  Mommy! Mommy! Bug!”  I look around but I don’t see it and his little pudgy legs run over to me fast and he starts stomping on the bug (I think it was a silverfish or something).  He was protecting me from the bug.  I said “Thank You BabyD!” and gave him the biggest hug ever.  Love him!

Ahh how sweet it is to have my little boys looking after and protecting me.  Chivalry is alive in my house!

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Here’s what I learned.  I need more quiet time.  Plain and simple.

I realize that being a SAHM (stay at home mom) means that you’re home a lot.  Sure you might leave the house during the week to run errands, go to the park, or to the library.  But when do you really have a day off?  NEVER.  You come home to “your work.”  Ok, I realize that some women may be offended by relating my kids and home to work.  But I take my job seriously (and not so seriously too!  We have lots of fun and laughs).  Nonetheless, for me, being a SAHM is WORK.  I’ve been having a hard time legitimizing that!

My husband gets to GO to work then come home.  My home (and family) is my work.  I live in my work place.  I think I’ve been feeling the effects of what it must be like to work to live.  Work is never done.  I have felt overwhelmed and equally underwhelmed of late.  I’ve lost a sense of myself (probably at the bottom of the toy box) and I’ve dug my head under books and Bejeweled Blitz (damn that game!) to hide out and wallow.  I feel like I’ve been dazed and confused.

I used to work (out of the home) and it cost me.  It cost my sense of humor; perspective of my family and finances; and particularly my relationship with BigBoy (we like each other so much more now).  I always felt like I was just barely dog paddling enough to keep my head out of the water.  For those working moms who are keeping it together, I applaud you.  It’s fast paced dance, so good for you if you can keep up with the rhythm with some sort of grace and joy.

So enough complaining.  Lola helped to lift the fog.  I see that if I spent some more time engaged in the activities that I know take care of me, I’ll be happier, healthier, and have my head on straight.  Enough of the hitting myself on the head for not getting everything done.  I’m not gonna get it all done.  I know that.  I will find more joy and ease in my life (not to mention a sense of accomplishment in my day) if I do my meditations (5 minutes helps), morning yoga (5 sun salutations), and journaling (blogging helps too!).  I learned some great techniques for staying on the positive side of life from another great friend and teacher, Rita Hovakimian, that I know work!  So I’ve pulled out my old notebook from her class and started reading and writing.  Yeah!

I’ve always been a big supporter of afternoon quiet time (for all of us).  BigBoy doesn’t have to sleep, but play quietly in his room and Baby goes down for his nap.  Recently, I’ve not been rigorous about the amount of time, but I’m reinstating the 1-1/2 hour afternoon minimum (but I’d like to shoot for 2 hours!).  This is when I get to do what I want, not laundry or dishes (out of obligation), but uninterrupted time to lunch, relax, write, and read (moderately).  And yes, I’m blessed because I have kids that can stay (relatively) quietly in their own rooms.  The truth of the matter is that I need my down time.  It helps me listen to the unending story of garbage trucks just a little bit longer in the evening.  It helps me not want to yell at my husband when he walks in the door.  It helps me complain less and love this life a little more.  Because I really do cherish this time.

I also have Annie Witzmann to thank for taking care of my boys on Fridays.  I call them Sanity Fridays.  I get to do my own stuff without the boys.  It’s like a weekend (pre-kids) crammed into 8-hours.  Sometimes I pay the bills (I’ve learned that uninterrupted time means that they go on time with the right amounts!) and clean house, but other times I go to the movies (saw Whip It and loved it!) or walk on the beach.  So thank you god for having me hear this message.  Got it.  Shhh!  It’s quiet time.  Cheers and THANK YOU friends!

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